Half of all home accidents happen in the kitchen, and the family has to eat them.

When you finally go back to your old home, you find it wasn't the old home you missed but your childhood.

Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

A man can please his wife with a box of candy, surprise her with a bouquet of flowers, and make her suspicious with a gold bracelet.

A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.

Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.

When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3,000,000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother's Day.

It's not the hours you put in your work that counts, it's the work you put in the hours.

Success has a simple formula: do your best, and people may like it.

Computers are like bikinis. They save people a lot of guesswork.

But love, I’ve come to understand, is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day.

Every child begins the world again.

I’m very shy, I feel very awkward.

I love to create and that's what gives my soul the satisfaction.

We thank God that our enemies are idiots.

Contouring is like my favorite thing ever because you can get cheekbones even if you don't have them.

Slavery it is that makes slavery; freedom, freedom. The slavery of women happened when the men were slaves of kings.

Despite what we may think, we are all talented in our own unique way.

It's such a joy to be able to play someone who is angry. It's a joy and a relief. Having to be nice all the time is exhausting and boring.

Sometimes you have to take a break from being a crazy kid. You can’t be doing that all the time. Sometimes you just have to pay respect to your own simple-ness.