Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all.

When you finally go back to your old home, you find it wasn't the old home you missed but your childhood.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

A man can please his wife with a box of candy, surprise her with a bouquet of flowers, and make her suspicious with a gold bracelet.

A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.

Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.

When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3,000,000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother's Day.

It's not the hours you put in your work that counts, it's the work you put in the hours.

Success has a simple formula: do your best, and people may like it.

Computers are like bikinis. They save people a lot of guesswork.

If you lend someone 20 dollars and never see that person again, it's probably worth it.

The novelist is condemned to wander all his life. Homeless and blind like Oedipus he wanders until death. And so let us protect the novelist and adore him, with pity, honor, and love.

I know in my mindI would leave you nowIf I had the strength toI would leave you upTo your own devicesWill you not talkCan you take pityI don't ask muchBut won't you speakPlease.

War is regarded as nothing but the continuation of state policy with other means.

Life is too short to work so hard.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Floating in a lake, lying in a hammock, playing a bit of Scrabble...that's what I'm in need of.

If you (to General Bertrand) do not perceive that Jesus Christ is God, very well; then I did wrong to make you a general.

Let the world honor you, my Huntress. Live forever in the stars.

You know, I have found a new way to get high and stay spaced out for hours on end, and the government can't stop me... It's called senility.

He that has ears to hear, let him stuff them with cotton.