For the first six months of my stand-up career, I was talking like Danny Dyer. I was doing a lot of 'alright guvnors?' It wasn't true to who I was.

This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories... if you lick it.

I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.

I've never laughed a woman into bed, but I've laughed one out of bed many times.

I vote for whoever will annoy my dad.

I want to write a film. I need to think of the right idea and focus on that; I love writing.

I hope people think of me as a bit older. I do have a beard. That makes me look very old.

I think people respect honesty rather than hiding it.

I love Downton Abbey. It's just great. My mother giving birth to me was just like Lady Sybil giving birth, except that there wasn't such a tragic ending.

Oh, you wanna do a little bit of roleplay? Could you just play dead?

I only got into comedy to get laid

Courage is feeling fear, not getting rid of fear, and taking action in the face of fear.

She looks very virtuous and very melancholy.""Virtue is like the precious odors, most fragrant when it is crushed.

Laugh, enjoy and pleasure make you live more.

If you show a poetry professor your shiny new multiple choice teaching technology, he will invite you to exit his office.

The Democrats appear to be the only people who still believe there is any efficacy to the UN.

I cross the place where my heart used to be and hope to be even deader than I am now.

I don't want to know how you did it. I want to believe you are magic.

I think that unless you grew up in New York or Chicago or Los Angeles, you're sheltered.

I would love to play Magnum P.I.

China is doing a lot of things right that the United States is doing wrong.