I hope people think of me as a bit older. I do have a beard. That makes me look very old.

This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories... if you lick it.

I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.

I've never laughed a woman into bed, but I've laughed one out of bed many times.

I vote for whoever will annoy my dad.

I want to write a film. I need to think of the right idea and focus on that; I love writing.

I think people respect honesty rather than hiding it.

I love Downton Abbey. It's just great. My mother giving birth to me was just like Lady Sybil giving birth, except that there wasn't such a tragic ending.

Oh, you wanna do a little bit of roleplay? Could you just play dead?

For the first six months of my stand-up career, I was talking like Danny Dyer. I was doing a lot of 'alright guvnors?' It wasn't true to who I was.

I only got into comedy to get laid

The best fiction is far more true than any journalism.

The government is ethics rape in perpetuity

By the single example of this painter devoted to his art with such independence, my destiny as a painter opened out to me.

I don't want to know what they think of me - there's always going to be someone who won't like it and that'll just upset me. So, if I'm happy with it, it just matters if I've done my little vision.

You must first realize that you are in a dream. Then you must realize that your current dream is a nightmare.

You can’t change the world, but you can change yourself. That adage suits consumer capitalism perfectly, since the illusion of changing ourselves is a successfully maintained through shopping.

Be childish. Be irresponsible. Be disrespectful. Be everything this society hates.

No one can hate you with more intensity than someone who used to love you.

I wish I knew what I know now before.

I read Twitter all the time, even though I rarely tweet.