Families aren't easy to join. They're like an exclusive country club where membership makes impossible demands and the dues for an outsider are exorbitant.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

The best discoveries always happened to the people who weren't looking for them.

You fault me for having standards?' Sebastian countered icily.'Not at all. I fault you for having two sets of them.'~ Sebastian, Lord St. Vincent & Cam Rohan.

You look so polished from your hair down to your toes, but still your finger's gonna pick your nose.

Whatever I put on - if I'm feeling trendy or if I'm feeling sexy - my clothes definitely represent who I am at the time.

Angling may be said to be so like the mathematics that it can never be fully learned.

It’s my failure to sound like my heroes that’s allowed me to sound like myself.

All of the problems we're facing with debt are manmade problems. We created them. It's called fantasy economics. Fantasy economics only works in a fantasy world. It doesn't work in reality.

It's an Australian thing to be dismissive. We find that endearing. Americans don't. They believe what you say.

When it all comes down to it, life isn't about how much we get - it's about how much we share.

The more centuries that I am able to score, the happier I will be.