Any form of complacency is the kiss of death for any professional.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Don’t allow your life disappear into an abstract mirage

I'm healthy as an ox. And you?" "To compare myself with a bovine would be both ridiculous and insulting, but I'm fit as ever, if that is what you are asking.

Picking up the pieces of a shattered dream is better than having no pieces to pick up at all.

Love is the end of sympathy.

I don't know of any artist who started off in the 50's who's making it now with new material.

Your hurt swallows ine, like space swallows time, and the two intertwine. We tangle together.

I'm tough on myself in terms of the standards I want to live up to, but that's also part of my pleasure: Knowing you are being your fullest self. Being your fullest self is a lot of work.

Don’t,” Michael said. It was soft, and it was a warning, through and through. “You try to hurt her again and I’ll pull your arm off.

A bully fights people littler and weaker than he is because he thinks it's fun.

Speech that leads not to action, still more that hinders it, is a nuisance on the earth.