Although Kurt Vonnegut may not be considered a humor writer, 'Breakfast of Champions' is one of the funniest books I've ever read.

The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.

If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage.... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time.

On Furnishing One's Home - Pick your furniture like you pick a wife; it should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not so nice that if someone walks past it they want to steal it.

Los Angeles is like San Diego's older, uglier sister that has herpes.

I just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.

Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane.

Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.

No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry.

You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine.

I was an angst-y journal writing kid.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

You mean she doesn’t intend to blow me up before the ceremony?” said Kai, taking the box. “How disappointing.

Many thousands of people have had the experience of finding the first friend, and it is none the less a wonder; as great a wonder (pace the novelists) as first love, or even greater.

A people that has licked a more formidable enemy than Germany or Japan, primitive North America . . . a country whose national motto has been "root, hog, or die."

I really turned into, you know, the real street kid. I was kind of like a runaway, but I had a mother, you know what I mean, and I had a place to stay.

So, I never lose a sense of the whimsical and perilous charm of daily life, with its meetings and words and accidents.

The rich mind lies in the sun and sleeps, and is Nature.

As a toy fruit or a toy elephant reminds one of the real fruit and the living animal, so do the images that are worshipped remind one of the God who is formless and eternal.

Being patted is what it is all about.

Secularists are often wrongly accused of trying to purge religious ideals from public discourse. We simply want to deny them public sponsorship.