A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

The truest expression of a people is in its dances and its music. Bodies never lie.

I want to be an artist that everyone can relate to, that's young, happy and fun.

What do you think of that? It’s stopped raining." I’m glad Jay." Her throat, full of aching, grieving beauty, told only of her unexpected joy.

I object to you using words like squander and pork. What is pork in one part of the country is an essential project in another part.

The evening of a well spent youth brings it's lamps with it.

Those Beliebers who haven't met me yet are the special ones.

It's wonderful to have money. But It's good that I know what the other side is like. I don't take for granted what I have now.

As much as I have respect for him, this is for the crowd. The crowd didn't deserve what happened tonight.

I submitted manuscripts to publishers. This was not so much a feeling that I should be published as a wish to escape the feared and hated drudgery of normal work.

The insect-youth are on the wing, Eager to taste the honied spring, And float amid the liquid noon!