A special validates you as a stand-up by documenting your material.

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.

I have a wandering eye and a lazy eye so they cancel each other out. It's a push.

Breaking News: Winds so strong in NYC The Statue of Liberty's gown just blew off!

I think the education system is great just the way it is. There's kids in my neighborhood in Los Angeles, seven years old, that can already speak fluent Spanish.

If people can't deal with their problems, they numb themselves a little bit.

I became a vegetarian after I became aware of factory farming and slaughterhouses and the torture and inhumane handling of all these animals.

Every homeless puppy and kitten was born to parents who weren't spayed or neutered. I'm proud to support PETA's work to prevent animal homelessness.

You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the person you're with.

I'm on a strict running program. I started yesterday. I've only missed one day so far.

Never wear a red t-shirt to Target. I enjoy helping people, but not every two minutes.

Mindfulness, also called wise attention, helps us see what we’re adding to our experiences, not only during meditation sessions but also elsewhere.

He once told me that an August evening was "as hot as three toads in a Cuisinart, " a comparison that left me blinking two days later.

Never let your tiny age misguide you to think the time is not yet up. Get up and do it at any age.

We should realize that an opinion is not easily formed unless a person says and hears the same things every day and practises them in real life.

Duck, big brother! Here comes another day!

Writers tend to suffer from back problems because they spend their time bent over a desk.

I was never happy, I was just less pissed off.

Suddenly you’re ripped into being alive. And life is pain, and life is suffering, and life is horror, but my god you’re alive and its spectacular.

I brag on the Democratic Party. We're libertarian on social issues, it's live and let live. Fiscally, we're conservative and responsible, and were environmentally conscious.

And remember: Everything in business is a paradox. To be excellent, you have to be consistent. When you're consistent, you're vulnerable to attack. Yes, it's a paradox. Now deal with it!