A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I guess I really haven't thought much about winning an Oscar, but if I had the opportunity, I'm sure I would like it.

It seems there are no rich on death row.

Also, I realized a lot of kids are listening to me. Whether I want to be or not, they're looking up to me.

You've got to be digging it while it's happening 'cause it just might be a one shot deal.

I hope to goodness I would not still be working in the corporate world - the money is OK but it is no life at all.

We had 10 children in our family. We all helped each other - we had to to exist, especially when we were out on the farm.

I never tell my age because I hope I'll always be the new kid on the block.

Oh dear me, the Booker people don't like me. I don't care. I have been given an award for being taken not seriously, and I am very, very pleased about that.

I have a family and two cats; I get up with my kids early in the morning.

A good End cannot sanctify evil Means; nor must we ever do Evil, that Good may come of it.