A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.

Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

Don't believe in miracles - depend on them.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.

When in doubt or danger, run in circles, scream and shout.

There are two kinds of failures: those who thought and never did, and those who did and never thought

Some problems are so complex that you have to be highly intelligent and well informed just to be undecided about them.

Everyone rises to their level of incompetence.

Don't panic. Are you sitting? You probably don't need to sit. Well, possibly. At least lean on something.

For you to be great, you must become conscious of what you are doing per time.

As long as he doesn't convert it into action, it does not matter how much a man thinks about his repentance.

America, ladies and gentlemen, has done more for me financially than Britain ever has, or ever could have done.

I've never been to heaven and, thinking back on my life, I probably won't get a chance to go. I guess the Masters is as close as I'm going to get.

Anything in literature, including memory, is second-hand.

The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.

If blood be shed, let it be our own. Let us cultivate the calm courage to die without killing.

I think people who work in comedy and humor are hesitant to analyze it too much, because you feel like if you take it apart, you'll break it and not be able to put it back together again.

The craft of the merchant is this bringing a thing where it abounds to where it is costly.