A credit card sometimes adds to the high cost of living but more often to the cost of high living.

Teenagers complain there's nothing to do, then stay out all night doing it.

Love is a state of mind which has nothing to do with the mind.

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze. It maketh me to wake in green pastures: It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses. It restoreth my buzz.

The best way to keep your daughter out of hot water is to put some dishes in it.

Love has been described as a three-ring circus: First comes the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, and after that the suffering.

It is always dullest before the yawn.

The person who knows everything has the most to learn.

If you want your wife to listen to you, talk to another woman.

He took his misfortune like a man - he blamed it on his wife.

Every connection you create either helps or hurts you

We are all characters in the book of life.

I am a camera, with its shutter open. Someday, all of this will be developed, printed, fixed.

Home runs just come from accidents by me, ... I just try to hit it solid and sometimes they go out. The record is nice to have but I'm not trying to hit them.

People have a way of thinking that everything is finished when the very best of all may yet be in store.

People respect unhappiness and find it especially hard to forgive success.

They used to say Palestinians fight like heroes, now they say heroes fight like Palestinians

Don't let people treat you like a cigarette, they only use you when they're bored and step on you when they're done. Be like drugs, let them die for you.

I blend in the backgroud. when I arive for lunch my friends are surprised i'm not already there.

[On golf:] One of the most distressing defects of civilization.