A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

I believe that at the very root of our humanity is a passion to create value with heart, to work alongside others who care, and to make a difference.

I'm a baby. I sleep like a baby - I'm up every two hours. And I think a lot. I worry a lot. I have great nights of no sleep where ideas come.

Capitalism and the market are presented as synonymous, but they are not. Capitalism is both the enemy of the market and democracy.

There is only one Christ, Jesus, one faith. All else is a dispute over trifles.

That which hits the fan tends to get flung in all directions.

Once you have a situation that is fresh, then you sort of believe in it and it becomes normal. So you do end up with protagonists that haven't been in other movies before.

I think the time is coming for struggle and uncertainty. It comes into every serious and beautiful life. I knew all along that it had to come.

Did you seriously just stamp your foot? I thought girls only did that on TV.

I'm a better editorial cartoonist by default because so many editorial cartoonists out there are so awful.

When people ask me how they should approach performance, I always tell them the professional musician should aspire to the state of the beginner.