Humour Quotes

While the Clave disapproves of trespassers, oddly they take an even darker view of beheading and skinning people. They're peculiar that way.

When in doubt, ignore and be horribly unimpressed

Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's.

I'm a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.

Why do boys say someone acts like a girl as if it were an insult?

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you smell like Magnus.

I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions

Dor woke again as dawn came. The sun had somehow gotten around to the east, where the land was, and dried off so that it could shine again.

Shiny, let's be bad guys!

Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.

My aunt and overprivileged cousin only recognize two states of being: glitter and grunge. And if you weren’t glitter, well, that only left one other option.

But I don't want to be a vampire drone.' Sophronia winced. 'They'll suck my blood and make me wear only the very latest fashions.

I know stealing a foot is weird. But, hello, living in a house where a foot is available to be stolen is weird.

Aren't maids the ultimate art critics?

Sadly, I hate foreigners. And Americans. And animals. And flora, and some fauna. Also the magma that is the very core of this our mother earth. I'm full o' hate!

I mean, if you're asking a fellow to come out of a room so that you can dismember him with a carving knife, it's absurd to tack a 'sir' on to every sentence. The two things don't go together.

I am an artist you know ... it is my right to be odd.

Getting to a higher spiritual level is like increasing your credit score. You get a lot more points for sinning and repenting than if you have no credit history at all.

If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.

I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender?

It's a shame that we have to choose between two such second-rate countries as the USSR and the USA.

The interesting thing is that you don't often meet a poet who doesn't have a sense of humour, and some of them do keep it out of their poems because they're afraid of being seen as light versifiers.

Humour is the shortest road from one person to another.

Whenever you find humour, you find pathos close by its side.

If you can find humour in anything, you can survive it

You can write about anything for children as long as you've got humour.

Humour is, in fact, a prelude to faith; and laughter is the beginning of prayer … Laughter is swallowed up in prayer and humour is fulfilled by faith.

I like to think that even with some of the more intense ones sometimes there is humour in there, you try to make a complete human being, whether the guy is good or bad.

everybody fancies they have that rare thing, a sense of humour.

Inevitably you're going to be delayed somewhere. Always have a book. Always have a movie. Always have a notebook. And then always have a sense of humour.

Cultivate a sense of humour. From a humorous point of view this lunch is rather good.

I think that comedians, more than any other type of celebrity, have to keep their humour and keep their feet on the ground. If they start taking themselves too seriously, they're heading for a fall.

I like someone with a really good and dark sense of humour.

I guess my height has hurt me as much as it's helped me. In comedy people don't mind casting tall women next to shorter men. It adds to the humour.

My career is chequered. Then I think I got pigeon-holed in humour; Shakespeare is not my thing.

I think that my ideas of the world are that it's random and cruel but kind of quite comical really, and therefore the humour, in a sense, springs from that.

Oh, I hate the cheap severity of abstract ethics!

A politician is someone who promises a bridge even when there's no water

It's interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up.

Xander Harris: Hair. Red. Red is good. Fire engines are red. Porsche's are red.

The word “future” and females is a dangerous combination.

Spy' is such a short ugly word. I prefer 'espionage.' Those extra three syllables really say something.

These things sneak up on him for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency.

But we all had an agreement to let each other get away with everything! That's Capitalism!

Inconvenience in progress, work is regretted.

Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

A horse loves freedom, and the weariest old work horse will roll on the ground or break into a lumbering gallop when he is turned loose into the open.