Humour Quotes

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

I would date a fan, I dont have a problem with that. I look for a good sense of humour in a girlfriend.

People who count their chickens before they are hatched act very wisely because chickens run about so absurdly that it's impossible to count them accurately.

I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully.

Edward lives as if there is no tomorrow, Richard as if he wants no tomorrow, and George as though someone should give it to him for free.

Jews, black people - any people who are hated or who have suffered, either as individuals or as a people - use humour. It is a survival skill.

I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush.

I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste in space travel, sideshows or gorillas. When this occurs, I pack up my dinosaurs and leave the room.

It is a fair, even-handed, noble adjustment of things, that while there is infection in disease and sorrow, there is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humour.

I am a drinker with writing problems.

Friday night was the night most people thought they were supposed to have fun. Trouble was most people didn't know what fun was or how to have it, so things usually ended up pretty ugly.

I am not at all in a humour for writing; I must write on till I am.

Euthanasia" is an excellent and comforting word! I am grateful to whoever invented it.

Mark my words, when a society has to resort to the lavatory for its humour, the writing is on the wall.

We started off trying to set up a small anarchist community, but people wouldn't obey the rules.

When I was your age, television was called books.

What is really important to me is a sense of humour and a mischief about life. Life is just too boring otherwise.

I think the most attractive thing is a sense of humour. If someone can make you laugh, you've gotten a lot out of the way.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.

If I can get you to laugh with me, you like me better, which makes you open to my ideas

The little waiter's eyebrows wandered about his forehead in confusion.

Armour... is part of a state of mind... in which you admit the possibility... of being hit.

Pumpkins are the only living organisms with triangle eyes.

A sense of humour and a little lack of respect: That's what you need to make a legend survive.

Only mediocrity can be trusted to be always at its best. Genius must always have lapses proportionate to its triumphs.

I want a Zero Tolerance policy on All The Patriarchal Bullshit.

I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within.

Stop looking at the walls, look out the window.

I think if you come from a history of persecution you have to develop a sense of humour.

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

If you are not feeling well, if you have not slept, chocolate will revive you. But you have no chocolate! I think of that again and again! My dear, how will you ever manage?

He that cometh to seek after knowledge, with a mind to scorn, shall be sure to find matter for his humour, but no matter for his instruction.

We are stuck with technology when what we really want is just stuff that works.

I've had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick.

Democracy means the opportunity to be everyone's slave.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

We owe to one another all the wit and good humour we can command; and nothing so clears our mental vistas as sympathetic and intelligent conversation.

When I was younger, I used humour as a tool to avoid getting too serious with people - if there was deep emotional stuff going on, then I would crack a joke to defuse the situation.

Pamper a tomato, overfeed it, overwater it and you will get a Paris Hilton of a tomato.

Every Englishman abroad, until it is proved to the contrary, likes to consider himself a traveller and not a tourist.

A man who trusts everyone is a fool and a man who trusts no one is a fool. We are all fools if we live long enough.

Everywhere's been where it is ever since it was first put there. It's called geography.

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

My mother taught me what it is to have a sense of humour; my dad, who was a headmaster, everything you need to know about hard work. My dad is the most decent man you could come across.