Humour Quotes

Enough of that, you damned conspirators, you will have us hanged a great deal sooner than we will.

Never be a pioneer. It's the early Christian that gets the fattest lion.

She ignores me, so I cup my hands over my mouth and do something I haven’t done in years— barnyard sounds.

It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again.

It may take a village to raise a baby, but hell! it takes an army to produce a book.

Oh, I can never get enough. Which, incidentally, is what your sister said when--

Yeah, you're a regular Mozart...well, except for the whole music thing.

I would never say snog. I would say osculate." She looks at me as if to say: why do you exist?

Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that. - T-shirt

Patrick actually used to be popular before Sam bought him some good music.

None of us like to think we are silly. But all must acknowledge that they are capable of silliness, from time to time

Above everything else I've done, I've always said I've had more guts than I've got talent.

He dunked his tea bag and watched the results critically. “I really must get a new supplier. This tea is pathetic. America just doesn’t understand tea at all.

The average IQ in America is—and this can be proven mathematically—average.

Blessed are the meek, for to them we shall say "attaboy".

Oh! That was poetry!" said Pippin. "Do you really mean to start before the break of day?

I don't really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a surprise for me.

There was this about vampires : they could never look scruffy. Instead, they were... what was the word... deshabille. It meant untidy, but with bags and bags of style.

What would killing the Elders result in?" "Panic? Fear? Three empty parking spaces in the Sanctuary?

i won't be happy until i'm famous like God

What an absurdity to go and bury oneself in South America, where they are always having revolutions.

Don't call me 'gentleman'. I work for a livin'.

The only thing worse than fighting a giant scorpion was fighting a giant scorpion who was trying to protect her young.

You ever want to negotiate a hostage situation in Quebec, I'm your man. Send me in for a little parley and the francophone miscreants will flee, hands over bleeding ears.

It is better to be first with an ugly woman than the hundreth with a beauty.

If he decided to pursue Sienna...Sucking in a breath Indigo promised herself she'd warn the girl if and when the time came-because no woman should have to face that campaign unprepared.

I said breathe. Not do a fish-out of-water imitation.

Every day's a negotiation and sometimes it's done with guns.

Skinny jeans were only good if you had skinny genes.

Consider me your candy stripper... I mean striper.

Tempted to type meaningless twaddle all the time on Twitter...with alliteration, no less!

Am sorry to note that abuse and condemnation of a common acquaintance often constitutes very strong bond of union between otherwise uncongenial spirits.

Finally, the intercom crackles and Hatmitch's acerbic laugh fills the studio. He contains himself just long enough to say, 'And that, my friends, is how a revolution dies.

You can't believe everything people tell you - not even if those people are your own brain.

I don't believe in ghosts but they blindly believe in me

The only thing worse than having a party that no one attends is having a party attended only by two vastly, deeply uninteresting people.

Sometimes the body gets out of bed an hour before the brain.

Heaven. The biggest waste of our time we ever invented, outside jigsaws.

Can I brush your hair?” she asked as she led the way, her disposition doing a 180 on a dime. Kids. Can’t live with ’em. Can’t eat ’em for lunch.

My God - it's a green child!" said the American. "What is this place - the House of Usher?

Hundreds of hysterical persons must confuse these phenomena with messages from the beyond and take their glory to the bishop rather than the eye doctor.

So Beckendorf was pretty popular?" Leo asked. "I mean-before he blew up?

Accentuaute the positives - medicate the negatives.

If politics were a musical, it would be "Promises, Promises".

Back in my day, which was about a week and a half ago, we took our lumps and we got back up and we cried like babies and quit and then put on weight.

You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step too far.

Sighing dismally, she acknowledged that some things just weren't humanly possible - not even Martha Stewart could fold fitted sheets.

Here is a man whose life and actions the world has already condemned - yet whose enormous fortune...has already brought him acquittal!

Doobie always wanted to see the badge. It was shiny, and he was eight.