My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

No matter how qualified or deserving we are, we will never reach a better life until we can imagine it for ourselves and allow ourselves to have it.

The only way out of your problems is straight through them.

Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.

2017 may have been that year when identity politics hit a brick wall - and slumped limply on the pavement.

I'm not a psychic. I don't look at a crystal ball.

It is in my soul to spread love and laughter.

When you seek a connection to God, you suffer. God is not absent.

One man in a meeting, filled with unbelief, can make a place for the devil to have a seat.