Humour Quotes

China is the same age as I am, and even I have to admit that she wears it better!" He laughed, then stopped and peered at her. "Because I'm a skeleton" he explained.

Our relationship wasn't the sun, the moon, the stars, but it wasn't bullshit, either.

I had always been warned that American didn't always get sarcasm

Now to me, Edith looks like something that would eat her young.

She was heavier than he expected - women always are.

We're on a mission from Glod.

Got to say, dying would really wreck my best day. Been there, done that, and now that I think about it, Artemis forgot to give me the t-shirt.

If they projected the fact that they are dangerous any harder, there would be little puddles of "danger" on the floor around them. Look, it's "danger", don't step in it!

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.

I didn't cross the line, you drew it in after I traversed it.

Laughing in the cultural industry is mockery of happiness.

I don't care how much you eat, Ender, self-cannibalism won't get you out of this school.

Jesus, Morelli, you sound like you have PMS. You have to learn to lighten up a little. It's just a car alarm. You should be thanking me. I had it installed with my own money.

The Captain of the Watch says if you're still in the City by sunrise he will personally have you buried alive.

Sometimes I feel better around you. I kind of like your face' -Nick

Judging by the sounds of general panic, I want a gun like that.

Highland werewolves had a reputation for doing atrocious and highly unwarranted *things*, like wearing smoking jackets to the dinner table.

Since I had a soft spot for zombies and my curiosity was killing me, I opted for plan Z.

Murderers! Stop murdering. Everyone will die eventually. Just sit down and be patient.

You may look normal like everyone else, but you're not. Not on the inside.

Doobie always wanted to see the badge. It was shiny, and he was eight.

Sighing dismally, she acknowledged that some things just weren't humanly possible - not even Martha Stewart could fold fitted sheets.

Here is a man whose life and actions the world has already condemned - yet whose enormous fortune...has already brought him acquittal!

You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step too far.

One day, maybe not in the next few weeks, but certainly in the conceivable future, someone will be able to refer to me without using the word 'arse' somewhere in the sentence.

Love is a delicate plant that needs constant tending and nurturing, and this cannot be done by snorting at the adored object like a gas explosion and calling her friends lice.

I often arrive at quite sensible ideas and judgements, on the spur of the moment. It is when I stop to think that I become foolish.

It kind of struck me how great it would be to go out with a guy that size. And if you, you know, got tired of dating him, you could always use him as a house or something.

I’m currently unsupervised It frisks me out too but the possibilities are endless

I want a baby of my very own one day, but it seems that my being male is a BIIIIT of a problem.

Girls like you want to cut guy's nuts off and hang 'em from your rearview mirror.

Letitia! What a name. Halfway between a salad and a sneeze.

He looked up at them, a scruffy Napoleon with his laces trailing, exiled to a rose-trellised Elba.

Can I request another peer guide, One who isn't so happy to be at school at 7:30 a.m.?

At least Kyle wasn't home. That would be a hard one to explain to his new roomate. Nobody liked a guy who kept blood in the fridge.

What the eye does not see, the stomach does not get upset over

Oh! And they read English novels! David! Did you ever look into an English novel? Well, do not trouble yourself. It is nothing but a lot of nonsense about girls with fanciful names getting married.

He had them as spellbound as a room full of Ewoks listening to C-3PO.

All we know of the Missing Link is that he is missing - and he won't be missed either.

If I'm out of my mind, it's all right with me, thought Moses Herzog.

If you tell me I'm sensible in addition to normal and wise, I'm going to punch you in the stomach.

If he speaks again without me knowing who he is, I will throw him out of the window. And I won't open it first.

Hey! Jack the Wanker! Over here! I want your autograph!

Madness has no sense of humour

Our Euripides the human, With his droppings of warm tears, and his touchings of things common Till they rose to meet the spheres.

The Brigadier had no wish to shake hands with the improbable young man in the ridiculous frock-coat.

The thing about changing the world... Once you do it, the world's all different.

Christmas, as a practicing Catholic child, was seen as a reward for lots and lots and lots of church.

Next time I want to do something nice, slap me.

I sense a learning: that much dumber people than you end up in charge.