Humorous Quotes

I love to laugh. Specially at myself. Sometimes I spend hours doing it.

Chances are that there are white people who brag about being the first to move out of a suburb that has been intruded by blacks.

For every person who rides with a moral high-horse, they also have a dead horse that they haven't fed lying somewhere out of sight.

The lonely, wistful revisionism of memories is as gratingly repetitive as snow and ice in Canada. I avoid them both at all costs - memories and Canada.

Raising a child is a time of RAPID CHANGE! From the ages of 0 to 19, a PARENT can age over 30 years!

My parents had drinks and there were crudités for us- although they were not called crudités at the time, they were called carrots and celery.

Only few moments of love has greater value than entire life

God doesn't send atheists to Hell -- there's no room with all the Christians down there.

Our atheist thoughts go out to his family following their loss.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Humility" If you don't have it, you're gonna get it.

I am grateful for hands to tickle with. Not so grateful for that process in reverse, however.

A grayeyard is not a democracy, and yet death is the great democracy..

The pursuit of historical revelance is an under appreciated endeavor.

I enjoy self-publishing & sending publishers rejection letters. They're like, 'Who is this guy?' And I'm like, 'the end of your industry.

I bet she thought she was getting into a fight with a vanilla wafer on roller skates but little did she know she was getting into a fight with a spider sandwich.

His question is pretty dangerous for me to try to answer, so I don’t—it continues to hang out there like the stained underwear at a slumber party that goes unclaimed.

Jean-Baptiste Say may have coined the term 'entrepreneur' but he totally missed the opportunity to put it on a t-shirt and sell it.

Don't ignore me. I only get more annoying.

My favorite quote in the world is this one.

if anyone comes into my domain without explicit permission, I’m going to impale you in a way that will give you the very best idea of what it feels like to be a corn dog.

Oh God, my stomach must have won a medal- it's doing a lap of honour now.

Don’t stop writing until someone pries the pen from your cold, dead hands.

Some of us are looking at the stars, but all of us are living in the gutter.

There exist no new mistakes anywhere. The same mistakes people committed are the same mistakes people are committing and the same mistakes shall people commit

Boys are raw materials that women manufacture into products called men.

I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married.

The fastest way to end an argument with your wife is to admit she’s right.

Nice guys finish last but bad guys don't finish at all.

I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they're walking on

Tribal Chief 1: The will of the people is what is best. That is what democracy meansTribal Chief 2: But if the people don’t know what they are talking about, how can that be the best?

If God had a wife, He would be in trouble too if He dodged His chores.

Only criminals and madmen walk into Central Park after midnight...or, occasionally, an actor. (Dark City Lights)

This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track.

This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track. (Dark City Lights)

The dimple in his left cheek was ironic-it gave the impression that he was sweet as a cupcake. (Dark City Lights)

We skipped right over Walmart on the ladder down.

At least a hospital stay will give him an excuse to halt the job hunt.

The train hit her with the sound of a meat-filled hefty bag smacking the pavement, and the effect was much the same, I guess. (Dark City Lights)

Thank God it wasn’t beef jerky, or I might’ve ended up dead." "The President's Neighbor" a comedy script by Brett Bacon.

Cigarette smoke when i didn't ask for it. Never when I did.

The first rule of book club - is that nobody wants to talk about book club.

As a reformed procrastinator, I'm now getting things done in the first 10 seconds of the last minute.

I forgot my purse of laughter when I dressed this mornin', " she told me. "Have you not bought anythin' the last few days? Prices have gone up. Pay or starve, it's all one to me.

She never saw the point of making fun of strangers – how could you possibly know enough about them to hit below the belt?

When life gives you lemons, find a friend whose life has given them tequila and have a party.

Life's a crapshoot, Sam. At least you filled the cheap seats.

Olga was better, in the sun, where he could see every pore in her skin. Get closer. Feel her next to him. It was all he wanted in the world. It was the last thing in the world that he could do.

…he’d assumed their relationship would go on forever. It was going on now, but in another way, like the rearrangement of the stars, which were all still in the sky, just burning in unexpected places.

We just move on, don’t we, with traitors still amongst us? But there was one thought that wouldn’t go away. If I loved him, I would forgive him.

But this bus was a bit too full. The driver only appeared to control the glass and metal around him. In reality, he was at the nose of a travelling paroxysm.