Humorous Quotes

yes, i have dated Salvador Dali guy when i was a high school girl. he was a great lover. but i had to dump him because he stole my inspiration of bent clock*~* .... who cares...

...I gotta burn these scales... sigh*

His eyes, green with yellow sparks, and with elongated pupils like a cat’s, made his grandmother gasp and say: ‘Jesus! He has the devil’s eyes!

Adelina knew perfectly well who the father was, but she worked hard to forget it, and by the end of her life she would insist that Jesús was her child and hers only.

I like stories about supervillains. They teach children that you can accomplish great things even when the whole world is against you.

I mean, shit, what Latino family doesn't think it's cursed?

What's the point of using words nobody knows or can say comfortably?

Talk about insanity. Being attracted to deVries was like a month saying, "Hey, let's go check out that awesome bonfire".

Time passed quickly. Constant did not move.

Talk about insanity. Being attracted to deVries was like a moth saying, "Hey, let's go check out that awesome bonfire".

You are an old pig!'one of them said to the other. 'And that is worse than being a young one.

He never did get right all the way again. And every once in a while he'd come down all bitey.

None are so busy as the fool and knave.

Believe in something, and let that something be yourself.

There's no such thing as a sane woman.

Mother said we had reached the Age of Reason and had to be good now. We must have because we wanted Willy Starr instead.

When life gives you lemons, put your lipstick on!

If you can't beat them and don't care to join them, Then " FU*K THEM".

I had an aunt named 'abnormal Shauna' once. But she passed away in an unfortunate cliff-top interpretative dance and fireworks accident.

An oldtimer is a person who's had many interesting experiences, some of them true.

When you argue with someone, you always argue at the level of the person with the lowest level of intelligence. You never argue up.

Daddy had a strict rule about firearms. Anything we killed we had to eat. No amount of barbecue sauce would make a hairy guy like you palatable.

Ooooohh, I heard you had an STD, but I thought it was just a rumor. Does it really burn?" - Moose in reference to Jadyn's "burning bush" -

I'd spent five minutes looking at Twitter once and felt I'd wandered into a poker game where everyone immediately displayed their hands against the cool green of the felt.

He thought moving to a small town would allow him to find a way to get along to some extent but people were just plain idiots.

ELVIS & MARILYN:The deader they get -the more money they make.

A Man can Live two Weeks without Food, go two days without Water, and two minutes without Air, and apparently, an entire lifetime without a BRAIN.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless it is the burning bush, in that case the value of your bird just went up!!

If a book falls in the woods and nobody read it, was it ever written?

You could have heard a bee fluff

DISARM ALL RAPISTSBut what will we doWith their legs?

And there you sit, gloating over what you have done, as if you were a martyr or a public benefactor -- as complacent and smug and misunderstood as a princess from the moon forced to herd goats!

On a cooler sun on a primordial earth: "I later learned that biologists, when they are feeling jocose, refer to this as the 'Chinese Resaturant Problem'--because we has a dim sun.

[To my enemy:] Some are great, some are born great, some have greatness thrust upon them! And then there's you.

I have always pictured accupuncture like falling into a box of sewing needles, and then standing up refreshed and free of pain.

I admit I once threw caution to the wind....It doesn't fly well!!

Democracy was supposed to champion freedom of speech, and yet the simple rules of table decorum could clamp down on the rights their forefathers had fought and died for.

Any day above ground is a good day.

One thing that's good about procrastination is that you always have something planned for tomorrow

Society teaches us that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. The bill of rights informs us that we have the right to keep it to ourselves.

I can't get her pregnant! I'm just thirteen. You have to be a man to get a girl pregnant.

The problem with taxation is that authors can't write off whiskey as a business expense.

Wilbur looked at the list glumly. "Are you sure you need all this stuff?""Yep.""The ax?""The ax is critical.""The c

I doubt you would recognize an adventure of any sort if it came right up and bit you on the a---Mother!I was going to say arm.

I've been coerced into free will.

The ultimate downfall of the computerized holographic receptionist was that there was no amount of flattery, flirtation or chocolate that could convince one to lie for you.

Nothing helps your partner keep his mind on Jesus more than having a sign of His love tanned on your primary erogenous zones.

Dear Time, You're so beautiful when You stand still.

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience - well, that comes from poor judgment.

Time may be defined as " dimension governed by activity." Dimension diminishes with inactivity so does the value of time.