Humor Quotes

He didn't have a single clue what was going on with these two strangers, but every instinct told him Master George equaled good, Mistress Jane equaled bald- he blinked-uh, bad.

I see you brought along your violent little girlfriend. What a nice surprise!" - Saint Dane (The Reality Bug)

My understanding of magic is fairly straightforward. Hit enemies with a sword until they’re dead. If they rise again, hit them again. Repeat as necessary. It worked against Set.

There are no miracles on Mondays.

Out last chance is a cat's magic sight. We are doomed.

It rained toads the day the White Council came to town.

Kim was more than a little inclined to snarl at him, but in the past few days she had learned that snarling at Mairelon did little good. He simply smiled and corrected her grammar.

Want me to flex my magic for you, baby?

Within a science fictional space, memory and regret are, when taken together, the set of necessary and sufficient elements required to produce a time machine.

The hippo of recollection stirred in the muddy waters of the mind.

All of our lives are governed by a certain degree of faith in bullshit.

The preface? Why would he waste time with the preface? Skip the preface and move on to the meat of the thing!

So I suggest you stick close, pay attention, and avoid breaking the Terrorverse's only commandment: Thou shall not be stupid.

I might be half Derek's size, but I was the one who sounded like a two-hundred-pound beast plowing through the woods.

Sucks to be left out of adolescence, sort of like getting locked in the closet on Venus when the sun appears for the first time in a hundred years.

You can give me detention. Oh, wait, that's right...you aren't the boss of me. So I guess you can just bite me. -Dean

Don't pick up hitchhikers!"- D. Adams

The mountebank told them that God was surely trying to kill them, possibly because He was through with them, and that they should have the good manners to die. This, as you can see, they did.

Rule #3 - It's okay to believe yourself better than the rest of the planet, so long as you keep it to yourself.

Banks are the temples of America. This is a holy war. Our economy is our religion.

Chocolate, coffee, and ice cream were far more reliable when it came to providing a good time, and at least they would never disappoint me.

Since childhood I’d been suspected of imagination

Yes, he is a man, so genetically he's engineered to be dense about many things, but he's not stupid.

...and then she realized: they WERE all alike!

I sort of got off on making bad guys sweat. Which was not unlike my love of making good guys sweat, just by very different means.

It is one of the major tragedies that nothing is more discomforting than the hearty affection of the Old Friends who never were friends.

Have you ever noticed that idiots have a lot of friends? It's just an observation.

Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!

Latin is already a dead language, man... don't make it any deader.

Watch over Honoria, will you? See that she doesn’t marry an idiot.

Friends don't menace friends with giant terrifying swords, okay?

I have no culture, no humane harmony in my brains. I can't live without a culture anymore.

[Harrier] locked eyes with Zanattar. He couldn't remember another time in his life when he'd been this angry and hadn't hit something.

I have so much hate that it has turned into love.

If I knew me as somebody else, I would hate me just as much. Why have a double standard?

It is better to doubt that a concept is stupidly flying under your head than profoundly flying over your head.

From now on when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I planned to say, Amnesiac.

Honesty is always good, except when it's better to lie.

What a refreshing mind you have, young man. There really is nothing quite like total ignorance, is there?

And have your mother put my head on a stake? Do you have any notion what that would do to my handsome good looks?

As a boy, I used to marvel that the letters in a closed book did not get scrambled and lost overnight.

I have a plot, but not much happens.

My God, the corruptions of literature. It put all these notions into our heads.

There is much to discover that's not on the back cover!

But you have read Madame Bovary?' (I'd never heard of her books.) 'No.

For every hour a mother gets to herself, a father will demand five times that amount for drinking with friends and acting like an immature dipshit.

Young men speak about the future because they have no past, and old men speak of the past because they have no future.

He said that he was sure you would be amendable to this course of action." April paused, eyes widening, before she said indignantly, "I believe he may have lied to me!

I enjoy poetry where I can talk as bizarre as I please, but theology or philosophy, I always respect the truth by taking it a step further.

For desert, maybe we can split a couple of crumbs.