Humor Quotes

Clones are people two.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

A metaphor is like a simile.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

My father was very funny, so I grew up with humor in the house. And I was always really attracted to comedies on TV. I was always really attracted to comics.

After all, when a thought takes one's breath away, a lesson on grammar seems an impertinence.

The comic spirit is given to us in order that we may analyze, weigh, and clarify things in us which nettle us, or which we are outgrowing, or trying to reshape

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

Self-esteem is for sissies. Accept that you're a pimple and try to keep a lively sense of humor about it. That way lies grace - and maybe even glory.

A sense of humor...is superior to any religion so far devised.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

I love to write humor. If I could make a living doing it that is all I would write. The happiest period of my life is when I was writing the sequels to "MASH". I was able to ridicule everyone.

This opens the door on another chapter of history.

Wit, after all, is a mighty tart, pungent ingredient, and much too acid for some stomachs; but honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting.

The oil and wine of merry meeting.

I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth.

Farmers, get out your sense of humor. Congress meets to relieve you again next week.

I am just an old country boy in a big town trying to get along. I have been eating pretty regular and the reason I have been is because I have stayed an old country boy.

Man is a slow, sloppy and brilliant thinker; the machine is fast, accurate and stupid.

In brief, sir, study what you most affect.

Have you not love enough to bear with me, when that rash humor which my mother gave me makes me forgetful.

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.

Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'

Someone once defined humor as a way to keep from killing yourself. I keep my sense of humor and I stay alive.