Humor Quotes

Dill was in hearty agreement with this plan of action. Dill was becoming something of a trail anyways, following Jem about... He only grew closer to Jem. (Lee 55)

A nonhot boy stares at you and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy...well.

Beware of finding what you're lookin

Actually Gabriel’s an archangel, ” I corrected. “But otherwise, yes.”“Well, that explains why he’s so hard to impress, ” said Xavier flippantly

My 'people skills' are 'rusty.' Pardon me but I have spent the last year as a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent.

Even I realized that money was to politicians what the eucalyptus tree is to koala bears: food, water, shelter, and something to crap on.

Politics is the only art whose artists regularly disown their masterpieces.

That demon will trick you faster than a politician with a liquor license.

The problem with all politicians is that they are human.

It's all right to hold a conversation, but you should let go of it now and then.

Do you have the tubes to ask me out or not?

A lady decidedly. Fast? perhaps. Original? undoubtedly. Worth knowing? rather.

Those who say that I am being punished are saying that god can't think of anything more vengeful than cancer for a heavy smoker.

All he had was nothing, but that was something, and now it had been taken away.

Mental Note #50: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, even though it most desperately wants to. - Notes from Ellen Wasserfeldman

Remember where you are and adjust yourself accordingly, not vice-versa ... otherwise, you might be toast.

No. No way. That name is reserved for females with grace and elegance, not this girl. This girl is...beastly.

Hmmm... that's interesting.""What?""There seems to be a gentleman walking towards us with a shotgun.

Si, the speed limit sign said 35. Your Goin' 55." -Sadie Robertson"Oh, that's just a suggestion.

Forget I ever referred to my mother and screwing in the same sentence. That's just .... wrong. On so many levels.

Serena had to cross her legs: in moments of dire amusement her bladder tended to play tricks.

THOMASINA:But then the Egyptian noodle made carnal embrace with the enemy who burned the great library of Alexandria without so much as a fine for all that is overdue!

I'm not a cruel man. I mean, technically I'm not a man at all.

There's nothing good about diversity, other than the food, and we don't need 128 million Mexicans for the restaurants.

The sunshine of the mind.

Good-humor is goodness and wisdom combined.

There’s a saying that all roads lead to Ankh-Morpork, greatest of Discworld c

God, how I hate the fact that I know this stuff. It only proves that it is possible to learn by osmosis.

I can't think I had much of a sense of humor as long as I remained the only child. When my brother Edward came along we both became comics, making each other laugh.

Lazy people, the truly lazy people live on information, strategies, ideas, plans and many other criticals, simply to spend one hour of hard work and make the rest feel like a breeze.

Why do we have to humiliate someone to crack a joke??? Do what u would like people to do with u..

Life is sweet absurdity, Sir Wizard. Laugh your way through it.

Safety tip. When you see smoke run, never wait for fire.

Religious ceremonies are of paramount importance in Bali ( an island, don't forget, with seven unpredictable volcanoes on it-you would pray, too).

She's in the club. The hopelessly-outnumbered-and-surrounded-by-monsters club.

Being a pumpkinhead is great.""Your HEAD is a PUMPKIN.

Life would be perfect if monster would stop farting.

It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the blame

Give up trying to convince people who you are, instead confuse them. It is a lot more fun!

Words are the bones. Writing is the lungs. Reading is like breathing.

How hard can writing be? After all, most of the words are going to be 'and, ' 'the, ' and 'I, ' and 'it, ' and so on, and there's a huge number to choose from, so a lot of the work has been done for you.

Homeowners' Association: the means whereby people who own homes are able to transfer their rights to the neighborhood control freaks.

The people of the United States will do anything for Latin America, except read about it.

I used to ask myself, ‘Sergei, would you rather spend your money on drink or women?’ and thanks to the club, I spend it on both and am called a patron of the arts.

I’ve always had a thing for men with large hadron colliders.

If you were in paris your food might as well glitter.

... Paris was a city of love for unimaginative folks.

I'm brilliant as well as skilled, " he said modestly. "It's a great burden, all of that on top of my angelic good looks. But I try to soldier on as best I can.

I do not think my life would make a very interesting book, ' I say. 'I feel I can speak with a certain amount of authority here.

The Book Highlights and Attacks areas of Inefficiency and Hypocrisy in Government Offices. It injects the much-need Enema into its Highly Constipated System.