Humor Quotes

It's amazing what the discovery of a corpse can do for one's spirits.

Her eyes filled. "He forgot my birthday, two weeks ago, " she said. "It was the first one he had ever forgotten, in nineteen of them." Nineteen! Nineteen from thirty-five leaves sixteen!

Where are your clothes? And do not pretend you do not know. I can accept that you may not know if you killed a man, but every girl always knows where her clothes are.

It could have been worse. He could have said he wasn't a 'dessert person' and then I would have been forced to jump out of a moving car.

Excuses are like butt holes everyone has 'em and they all stink.

If money don't buy happiness, what the hell does?

Matrimony and firefighting. They ain't for cowards.

What if there's no such thing as PMS, and this is just my personality?

You guys gotta get a license to drive a Geo, but any doofus with a few good swimmers can be a father.

A friend is someone who will bike to the ice cream shop with you, even when you don't look so good.

Taxes for people with too much damned time on their hands.

Expect stupid. It's everywhere.

The trouble with insanity is it can flare up at the most inconvenient moments.

If men were necessary in the procreation process, they'd have gone the way of the dodo bird long ago.

I'd love to go out with you, but I'd hate to deprive some village of its idiot.

Sometimes it's nice to have a man around the house. But a dog will clean the dishes.

All's well so long-as you don't get shot in the hind end with a twenty gauge.

I'm just an everyday kind of hero. If the everyday kind saves babies from burning buildings and looks hotter than hell in bunker gear.

A woman needs a man like a tuba needs a cucumber.

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who enjoy a nice salami and those who have no souls.

When men age they're called sophisticated. When women age they ain't called at all.

If you don't scare the neighbors while copulating, I'm afraid you're doing something terribly wrong.

Apparently it takes, like, forty-seven muscles to frown. Flippin' the bird' s a hell of a lot easier.

Let us talk about oxymoron, common sense, for instance.

I've been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister.

A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there's nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system.

You are a perfect woman, a magical blend of beauty, intelligence, and spirit. Without you, my life is nothing.

Yeah, world peace would be all right, but what about a day off in a slab of ham the size of my head.

There aren't many things a man finds more appealing than loyalty. Unless it's a woman with really big knockers.

Lust and love. They both put a fire in your damn shorts.

Celibacy sucks, no pun intended.

I'd rather be pissed off then pissed on.

It is far better to know the painful truth than to live with a kindly falsehood.

Sometimes stupid is crime enough.

Men have two outstanding features--their brains and their genitalia. Unfortunately, both rarely function simultaneously.

There are lots of fish in the sea. Some are sharks, some are angels, and some are bottom feeders.

Love makes the world go around, but so does a gallon of vodka and a box of Cuban cigars.

A pigs and pain, until you really get to know 'em. Then he's a paid with the soul.

Analyzing dreams is much like walking on water. There are a limited number of people who do it well.

Booze and boys, ain't nothing in the universe that'll make a girl stupid faster.

Maybe knowledge is power, but it's damned hard to think a burglar to death.

I'd trade every last one of you for a moment's peace and a dog that didn't P on the carpet

If they really wanted us to resist temptation, they shouldn't a made it so damn tempting.

It's not as if I don't like men, I just have more respect for my washing machine.

In my experience, "what the hell" is generally the most interesting decision.

There is not a simple gene pool entirely free of toxic waste.

Marriage is like a toothbrush. It starts out smooth and gets kind of prickly towards the end.

Friends are nice. You can tell' 'em stuff, but you can swear like a gangster at an enemy. And that's all right, too.

Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation'll knock down the damn door and drag you out by the hair.

Maybe in fairytales you're only as old as you feel, but here in L. A. you're every second as old as your pores.