It's not as if I don't like men, I just have more respect for my washing machine.

I've been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister.

A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there's nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system.

You are a perfect woman, a magical blend of beauty, intelligence, and spirit. Without you, my life is nothing.

Yeah, world peace would be all right, but what about a day off in a slab of ham the size of my head.

There aren't many things a man finds more appealing than loyalty. Unless it's a woman with really big knockers.

I'd trade every last one of you for a moment's peace and a dog that didn't P on the carpet

If they really wanted us to resist temptation, they shouldn't a made it so damn tempting.

In my experience, "what the hell" is generally the most interesting decision.

There is not a simple gene pool entirely free of toxic waste.

Marriage is like a toothbrush. It starts out smooth and gets kind of prickly towards the end.

We do repent not to be forgiven, but because we are forgiven.

Dont wait for anything that will not wait for you.

The century's getting old and stale

Learn to catch yourself and stop yourself immediately when you are engaging in negative self-talk.

God’s ways and His will come in His own perfect time.

Hillary Clinton's been proven to be a liar on so many different ways.

There's nowhere to hide in the theatre. You can't be the one in rehearsal who doesn't know their lines.

Stagnation is death. If you don't change, you die. It's that simple. It's that scary.

Beware of those who would use violence, too often it is violence they want and neither truth nor freedom.

Your brain has a capacity for learning that is virtually limitless, which makes every human a potential genius.