Humor Quotes

Love may be blind, but lust is just damn stupid.

And thanks to Christina McMullen, who has taught me that common sense and intelligence need not have any correlation whatsoever.

There is no feature as attractive as a well exercised intellect.

You really don't know a person until you spend some time in their panties.

Old-age sucks, but the alternative doesn't look that great, either.

He who laughs loudest has a high probability of being extremely inebriated.

She may be an old flame, but she still smokin'.

In this town, a successful marriage is one that lasts longer than ice.

In the movie business, the ones we call Lucky are usually those idiots who are just too damn stubborn to take no for an answer. Come to think of it, the movie business is kind of like life.

I ain't taking no more rides on the stupid train.

Dating is like nightfall--there's got to be a mourning after.

Don't worry. It's scientifically unlikely that the universe will explode into a million particles at any given moment.

Dating--the socially accepted alternative to the rack.

In my opinion, kissing a lady's hand is a fine tradition. After all, a man must start somewhere.

Maybe money can't buy happiness, but it can get you a nice little villa in Tuscany, and that's close enough for me.

He's an undersized pissant with delusions of adequacy.

Jealousy. It's a terrible thing. Unless it's someone else's.

It'd hardly be worth having a brother at all, if you couldn't smack him in the head every once in a while.

It's not who you know, it's who you sleep with.

Some men are warriors and some men are weenies. The trick is figuring out which is which.

Maybe life does suck, Pork Chop, but it beats the hell out of the alternative.

Just when you think you have life by the tail, it's likely to whip around and take a hunk outta your balls.

There is no greater hell than realizing you're in love with the guy you hate.

You lose a couple of pounds and get a guy good and drunk, you could have a hell of a good time even if you are not smart.

The theory of relativity doesn't amount to a hill of beans when there's a bonfire in your shorts.

Fair play is all well and good. But knowing how to kick 'em in the balls can get you out of a jam 9 times out of 10.

Just remember this, Missy, escargot ain't nothin' but snails with their noses stuck in the air.

If I want to catch the damn worm I get outta bed.

He's just a flash in the pants.

Luck is merely a product of the happily delusional mind.

Honesty is the best policy. But insanity is a hell of a lot more effective in court. So your set, McMullen

Breaking up is hard to do. But, bustin him in the head ain't that easy, either.

They say love makes the world go around… I been dizzy for a long time.

I fear that someday you will abandon the joys we share and find another not worthy of your charms.

I try to read and write something interesting every day.

A tontine is a kind of primitive insurance fund, combined with a sort of lottery. And while it has many flaws as a financial scheme, as a literary device…

I’m beginning to wish I’d had you deported after the first murder! Death seems to follow you around like the plague.

Nothing doing. I've no doubt you think I should look noble as a sacrifice. But I've never wanted to look noble, and I won't be made to. -- Neville Fletcher

Don't worry. Chivalry has practically no appeal for me whatsoever. -- Neville Fletcher

Will there be cheese?" asked Chisolm.

I'd spent my whole career dealing with badasses taking care of my nine-month-old boy should be a lark.

The right things often happen for the wrong reason.

When your ship comes in, don't be in the bathroom with your pants around your ankles." quoted by Frank McNichols, father of Rose McNichols in A Nose for Hanky Panky, a Granite Cove Mystery

Where you been, girl?” Harvey answered. “I’ve been sendin’ you twits for the last hour.

When you're writing a whodunit, the dead body is the most important character. It's the pivot point around which the plot spins.

Violet Lynn Parker, you’d better spill or I’ll start bellowing ‘Happy Birthday’ to you in my Bobcat Goldthwait voice.

I’m not ‘stubborn.’”“Oh, really?”Lifting my chin, I said, “I’m determined.” (Violet to Doc)

I had a feeling that Harvey wore his shotgun around the house like a pair of holey underwear.

Simon's brain tried to comprehend the situation. 'Was an international supermodel really holding Doc Gutson, leader of the infamous Bloodworth Gang, captive?

Ah ha!" the Doc screeched suddenly, wheeling around. "The salicylic acid! Maybe it SHOULD have been heated first!