Humor Quotes

Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are a subject to a good many different ailments, but I have never heard of one who has suffered from insomnia.

The best thing to learn from any government is that it does not get affacted by what other people talk or think about it.

A singer can shatter glass with the proper high note, " he said, "but the simplest way to break glass is simply to drop it on the floor.

There is a meaning of life but I've been sworn to secrecy.

A VIP area is nothing without not-so-important people.

I sort of kind of said something a little like that but maybe not clearly enough to sound like that... But it's what I meant.

Aren't fairy godmothers supposed to be nice and make you feel better about yourself?...No, you're confusing fairy godmothers with sales clerks.

There are no mirrors of any kind in here. If there were, I’d want to smash them, but I wouldn’t. Instead, I’d probably just stare at them, giving myself negative affirmations.

The perfect body protects its owner from disease, gives birth to amazing new people and stops your bones from falling out. The end.

I’m creating a self help show called Self Talk. I’ll insult myself for an hour then open phone lines to a fitness coach & my mother-in-law.

If you're stressing over happiness, you're doing it wrong!

When it comes to your self-esteem, it is best not to value the opinions of deluded psychopaths.

If you're stuck in the past, you go forward in reverse

That's when it hit me. I had to go through a lot of bad relationships first, but I'd finally found him. My very own Prince Charming. Turns out they do exist.Touché, Cinderella. Touché.

Why are we learning about the past, when this is History?

A woman without a past is like a fruitcake without brandy—insipid!

Once past the comfort zone in either direction, humans soon lost the ability to discriminate bad from worse.

Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the Midol.

At this point in my life, beaming confidence is largely a matter of mind over bladder control

He just wasn’t into flaunting his awesomeness, but sometimes a person’s awesomeness simply flaunts itself, even when you politely ask it not to.

I don't mind people talking about me behind my back. It means they know me, and I'm out in front.

Never speak unless you can improve upon the stupidness of people's silence.

Some women are built by the fire. Yet, there are some that are the FIRE!

Be confident because the odds are in your favor.' He clears his throat, like talking this much hurts him. 'Not because you're a special snowflake.

It's not that I can't express myself, it's that I still feel present when I'm not expressing myself.

Never second guess yourself. Or do, maybe. Whatever you feel good about.

HELENA. What a fine day! Not too hot. [A pause.]VOITSKI. A fine day to hang oneself.

Billions of years before twelve step groups, God committed shotgun suicide. Today wall scrapings share His gratitude stories.

I would have killed myself years ago if it weren't for the fact that I’m pretty sure death is the only thing more terrible than life.

Women, can't live with them, can't murder/suicide without them

Assuming what people want is about as controlled as using fireworks to start a fire.

I’ve written for the waste basket so often that we’ve become friends. He writes too, but it’s mostly garbage.

The reason God never fails is because he fears to fail

Nowadays the standards had plummeted so far that I failed even at being a failure. I silently packed up. Nothing else was left. They had even robbed me of self-pity

For thirty minutes I sat back and felt the glimmer of pride that historically precedes the most catastrophic falls.

Lust? I have no desire to incite lust in anyone."Veliss turned to her with a quizzical expression, her smile suddenly genuine. "Then I'm afraid you're in for a lifetime of disappointment.

He'd bet his right nut her skin would taste as good as it smelled.

You have to watch them all the time, ’ she assured me darkly. ‘Even if the spirit’s willing, the flesh is weak!

[Dream] I do not want a grape.[Desire] I could make you want one.

How can you possibly do everything you want to do in life if you start doing a bunch of things twice?

I don't know anything!' Tim(Caleb) wailed.He'd never spoken a truer word in his life.

I leveled the gun and fired until it was empty.

Nice dress, ” Victoria said.“Thank you, ” Perpetua said. “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?”Victoria blinked. “Uh, what?

This is the day the Lord has made, suck it up and rejoice.

You can't jump for the stars if your feet hurt. And when you get where you're going, you darn well better look great!

There are two rules for sucess:1. Never tell everything you know.

...heaven wouldn’t be like this earth, this tormented earth ruled by evil forces that tossed humanity to and fro like a slow clown in a two-bit rodeo.

A fallow mind is a field of discontent.

Her killer wrote a note on that stationary.""A note." Now Renquist's eyebrows lifted. "Well. That was rather arrogant of him, wasn't it?

Two young adventurers for hire. Willing to do anything, go anywhere. Pay must be good. No reasonable offer refused.