Humor Quotes

You wanna go build some shelves with me?

So the first thing we're gonna do, " I told him, "is push you off the roof.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Ooh..I want one" - BexThey're not puppies." -Cammie

There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

If I behave as though this is a completely normal situation, then maybe it will be ...

We need to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn't matter, but work is third.

You know how to shoot?"- Emma"Yes. My dad taught me everything about gun safety. He was an expert." - Heather"What happened to him?" -Shanna"He was...shot." -Heather

You think I'd cheat on you?" I demanded with all the innocent outrage I could muster."With another guy, no. With a cheeseburger . . . in a heartbeat.

Actually, I was the very lowest ranked member of the crew. I would only be “in command” if I were the only remaining person.”What do you know? I’m in command

i told you he'd freak out, she siad. didn't i?ah, the i told you so, jace said. always a classy move

My beard grows down to my toes, I never wears no clothes, I wraps my hairAround my bare, And down the road I goes.

You don't need a search warrant to go through someone's trash. Seriously. Once it hits the curb it is totally fair game-you an look it up.

Principled hate is a hell of a lot stronger than "Boy, I wish you hadn't mummified me and thrown me into the lake" hate.

The sh*t's gonna splatter, start buggin, yo..."Mencheres to Cat

I'll go, " he said."And that's safer because?""I'm a guy.""Right, and having a pair of dingle balls makes you invincible how?

Holly's theory about the army, " Sharon explained.And what is it?" Denise asked, intrigued.Oh, that fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

You must have been going very fast.""I was, until I hit the fence.

The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'cheque enclosed.

I like girls who eat Carrots. ~ Louis Tomlinson

I get it, ' said the prisoner. 'Good Cop, Bad Cop, eh?'If you like.' said Vimes. 'But we're a bit short staffed here, so if I give you a cigarette would you mind kicking yourself in the teeth?

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Welcome to Hell. Here's your accordion.

Is it really you this time, Kells?”“Well, I’m no maggoty corpse, if that’s what you mean.”He grinned. “That’s a relief. No maggoty corpse would be that sarcastic.

Are you guys busy?" Juniper asked. "Well, " I said, "we're in the middle of this game against a bunch of monsters and we're trying not to die." "We're not busy, " Annabeth said.

I WILL NOT TOLERATE MENTION OF YOUR ABNORMALITY UNDER THIS ROOF!

What's a philosopher?' said Brutha.Someone who's bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting, ' said a voice in his head.

The Princess Andromeda?""Went ka-boom.

Har. Bloody. Har.

Normal people can become very annoying if put in annoying situations.

She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not... you know, better.""Define BETTER with that guy.""Not all fangs and raaaaar.

My parents are going to kill me!""That seems rather harsh...

Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. —T-SHIRT

I like pink."Lucius sniffed. "It's just red's sorry, weak cousin.

Yeah you can have a word, " said Harry savagely. "Good-bye.

I wish we could make out in your bed."Noah sighed. "As do I, but I'm afraid we have ritual burning to conduct.""It's always something.""Isn't it though?

Yeah, well, food's one of the five exceptions to Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfigurations, " said Ron, to general astonishment.

When I die of heart failure the next time you frighten me like that, you can put that on my gravestone—‘I didn’t mean to startle her.

Money isn't everything...but it ranks right up there with oxygen.

Cheeses crusty, got all musty, got damp on the stone of a peach, ” I agreed. He looked blank, so I repeated it with proper emphasis. “ ChEEZ-zes crusty. Got Al -musty. Got DAMp on the StoneofapeaCH.

If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?

Sydney spent a lot of time on my bed these days.Unfortunately, it wasn't with me.

Another relative?" Valek asked.A broad smile stretched Moon Man's lips. "Yes. I am her mother's uncle's wife'sthird cousin."--Valek and Moon Man

Sure, ” she said, and hugged the laptop bag closer. “What could go wrong?”Michael’s eyes flashed to meet hers in the rearview mirror.Besides everything, I mean, ” she said.

ligion is the opiate of the masses." "I did masses of opiates religiously.

You saw my leg?""How can a man help what he sees?" he said. "And, if I could add, you possess a very fine leg.

I’ve been thinking.” “A dangerous pursuit.” “Indeed.

Who wants to go down the creepy tunnel inside the tomb first?

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

No, thanks, " said Harry. "The toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it— it might be sick." Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he'd said.