Humor Quotes

No quality imparts apparent strength to its possessors more effectively than faith. From hospital beds to battlefields, it is the iron that strengthens a man to confront his destiny.

It would be hilariously tragic if I avoided the rabids, avoided the sun, only to be fried to a crisp on a damn electric fence because I was too impatient.

Coffee first. Save the world later.

Using Facebook is like taking a Dyson to your spare time.

I'm as lucky as a bed of oysters on cioppino night.

I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they're walking on

Tribal Chief 1: The will of the people is what is best. That is what democracy meansTribal Chief 2: But if the people don’t know what they are talking about, how can that be the best?

Confidence is highly erotic.

Never trust a woman hoarding a half-eaten bag of M&M's.

Roses are red Violets are blueI don't go on this accountSo go away SHOO!

My mother had tried to fool me into thinking I was a natural beauty, and I’d believed her for a little while, that is, until I moved to the land of beautiful people.

This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track.

This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track. (Dark City Lights)

Laughter is the best medicine

He quite liked dentists’ waiting rooms. Waiting for dentists was good. Waiting for them was so much better than having them stick metal spikes in your mouth.

Philadelphia is just the tip of the Pittsburgh.

The coding was anachronistic, kind of like bokeh in a renaissance painting.

The only thing which really seemed to pay off in life, if you went by Mary Pedersen's example, was sleeping with your superiors.

When people get into their 30s plus "boyfriend" sounds weird...if you really think about it. Instead, I think we should universally start using the term "manfriend" or "snookie bookie cuddles pie".

A lot of people are alive because I shed too much hair to get away with murder.

I'd tell you nice try, but... it wasn't.

I couldn't help thinkin' if she was as far out o' town as she was out o' tune, she wouldn't get back in a day.

And that, my friends, is how a revolution dies.-Haymitch Abernathy

He said, “If God lived on Earth people would stalk his Facebook page and leave nasty comments on his Pinterest site.” Then it sunk in- timing was everything and social media was the devil.

If by ‘foe’ you mean a brutal killer, then I suppose I’d fall into the ‘friend’ category, ” I replied cynically. “Although in your case, we may have to find a secret option number three.

I don't know what it is about "magic happens"-stickers on cars but every time I see one I wanna get out my permanent marker and sneak over and write underneath it "so does cot death".

Leave Dad alone" I told Aislinn. "His Britishness is sort-circuiting.

Our town was known for two things--no, three: salted fish, expertly dyed fabrics, and corruption.

It's nice to be able to do things for other people, isn't it?That's why it's fun to talk in the third person sometimes.

I suffer from CLAUSTROPHOBIA, a fear of closed spaces.For example, I’m petrified that the WINE store will be closed before I have time to get there!!!

Even AWESOME MOMS use the F-BOMB!

MOMB - noun - One who can deal with all of the INSANITY of being a MOM... Because she's the BOMB!

Simon did not solve problems, he just shamed them into going away.

When I make love to you, Lanie, I want you to feel every inch of me buried deep inside of you, loving you, worshiping your body...

I'm going to make love to you, Lanie. I'm not your first, but I will be the last.

I realized I was officially a professional writer when all my plans began with "drink coffee" and ended with "take a nap.

I have great respect for you - once you are dead, and gone

Doakes had a first name! It was Albert - had anyone ever really called him that? Unthinkable. I had assumed his name was Sergeant.

Better days are coming! They're called Saturday and Sunday.

Wisdom of the Ages "Unsuccessful Town Slogans" Sequim (WA)- "We put the Dung in Dungeness.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams Week" Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up "Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

I’d like to THANK the genius who saw a bunch of cherries and thought....HEY!! If I dry out a bunch of those berry seeds, call them “BEANS”, smash them and add hot water, it will be AWESOME!!!!

If life takes you long way, take a shortcut!

You can flip a coin but Schrodinger's pet cat will still be in that box.

Were one to call your stupid ism good, well then, one would either be equally idiotic, or a fool, or no good.

Skin color doesn't make you different, ' Melody said. 'We're all the same on the inside.' 'The only people who ever say that, ' Raymon replied, 'are white.

Author is the prisoner of his thoughts .

The dead, Your Honor, do not agonize over their crimes and do not long to be happy, as you know.

The table was covered with food like roast chicken, roast potatoes, roast parsnips, roast turkey, roast liquorice and, the centrepiece, a roasted knight.

Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that 'You' are not worth him/her.