Humor Quotes

In the beginning there was Logos...and God of course. And it was all extremely boring for Logos because he could never beat God at any game...

Many things have been compared to a brick, mainly as a tribute to their intellect or to their aerodynamic characteristics.

The smell of new office supplies is so satisfying while being kicked out of Staples for inappropriate behavior with a file folder is so embarrassing.

Do billboard salesmen record their sales on charts? If so, who's at the top of the billboard charts for billboard sales?

#Twitter: proudly promoting ghastly grammar and silly misspelling since 2006.

Facebook has been spreading across the continents faster than a highly contagious Asian bird flu!

The president has kept all the promises he intended to keep.

Stop fretting and eat your Madeira Cake..

What New England is, is a state of mind, a place where dry humor and perpetual disappointment blend to produce an ironic pessimism that folks from away find most perplexing

I have to tell you the truth. But you are too ugly for it.

You put cow dung on my face?’ ‘Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear?

Ask Gandhi, and eye for an eye makes us both blind.....ask an engineer, and the numbers don't lie - the first to strike wins.

Only you can change yourself, no one else can.

If I were married, I would be unmarried.

Despite wearing a Rolex, I have no time.

Half is better than none unless it be of a wit.

I would have grown up to be a gentleman adventurer if I were more of a gentleman.

A sense of humor helps us to get through the dull times, cope with the difficult times, enjoy the good times and manage the scary times.

Slaying dragons, melting witches, and banishing demons is all fun and games until someone loses a sidekick—then it’s personal. The bad guy isn’t just the “bad guy” anymore, he’s the BAD GUY!

Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.

Ronan said, "I'm always straight."Adam replied "Oh, man, that's the biggest lie you've ever told.

If somebody says 'I love you' to me, I feel as though I had a pistol pointed at my head. What can anybody reply under such conditions but that which the pistol holder requires? 'I love you, too'.

Don't go looking for boys in the darkThey will say pretty things thenleave you with scars.Do go looking for boys in the parkFor that is where the true gentlemen are.

You looove me. (holds out arms) You love me this much.

Were you always such a stubborn, blind, obtuse girl?”“Are you calling me stupid?”“Yes, but in a more poetic way!”“Well, here’s a poem for you. Get lost!

If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.

I love you and it's getting worse.

To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken.

He's around the twist, ' said Azalea. 'Breaking all the windows? He's mad.' to break all the windows in the house and drown yourself in a bucket but don't actually do it, well, that's love.

My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.

I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up.

Can't you just like a girl who likes you back?''None of them likes me back. I may as well like the one I really want.

I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy.

Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer.

She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, “Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert.

My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored.

If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal.

To love is easy, to be in a relationship is extremely difficult.

Oh, don't mind me, " came an extremely sarcastic voice near the wall. “You two go ahead and make out–I'll just sit here and bleed quietly.

I never understood how men could remember all those details about sports but, yet, were incapable of remembering where they set their car keys or wallet.

Hmm…now that I think about it, housecats are often coddled and petted. You don’t pet me nearly enough. You must be a lax owner. How selfish of you to deprive your cat of attention.

I have made a lot of mistakes falling in love, and regrettedmost of them, but never the potatoes that went with them.

A perfect person is easy to love. But when somebody likes all your imperfections, well, that's when you know they really mean it.

It’s like this…a starving man would gladly eat a radish, right? In fact, a radish would be a feast if that’s all he had. But if he had a buffet in front of him, the radish would never be chosen.

My girlfriend is a party girl angel who can kick some arse and cook.

Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.

This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.

It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.

Tell the truth, or someone will tell it for you.

I think I've discovered the secret of life -- you just hang around until you get used to it.