Funny Sarcastic Quotes

Funny Sarcastic Quote of the day

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.

The empty vessel makes the loudest sound.

My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.

The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.

If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you.

This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.

I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half-empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. If you pretend to be bad, it doesn't. Such is the astounding stupidity of optimism.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

The more I see of man, the more I like dogs.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful.

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

There is always something ridiculous about the emotions of people whom one has ceased to love.

The English contribution to world cuisine: the chip.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Our national drug is alcohol. We tend to regard the use of any other drug with special horror.

As we celebrate Recovery Month, it is time for Congress to knock down the barriers to treatment and recovery for 26 million Americans suffering the ravages of alcohol and drug addiction.

When I have an idea, I turn down the flame, as if it were a little alcohol stove, as low as it will go. Then it explodes and that is my idea.

I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm dumb, I smell. Did I mention I'm stupid?

Really, if the lower orders don't set a good example, what on earth is the use of them?

She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people.

Research is an organized method for keeping you reasonably dissatisfied with what you have.

Perfume: any smell that is used to drown a worse one.

You think he left a big flashing arrow pointing to a filing cabinet labeled 'Evidence Here!'? He's a Stray, Ethan, not Wile E. Coyote!

years ago we would have been burned for this. Now what I am suggesting is that we've advanced.