Funny Quotes

Life would be a great deal easier if dead things had the decency to remain dead.

He raised his hand in a peaceful gesture. "You need to relax a bit, dove. Like Mouse over there. You trust me, don't you, Mouse?""Nope!""Ahhh, I'm hurt. Nobody likes me.

I know more damn perverts, at schools and all, than anybody you ever met, and they’re always being perverty when I’m around.

Somehow the idea of Montgomery as a fairy doesn't have the same effect on me as it appears to have on you.-Raphael

If you were anyone else, your nuts would be taking a long vacation, and the destination would be out of your mouth

I never meant it, " he was saying. "Never meant it to happen. Can't stand it, seeing her suffer. Must do something, do something... What do I do? What can I do...?

As always, she was carrying the washing. Rudy was carrying two buckets of cold water, or as he put it, two buckets of future ice.

No, but as a vampire, I'm able to detect subtle shifts in emotional energy.

Why must this be so mortifying? Oh, that's right. Because its my life.

you're so full of shit, you ought to be a cow manure

Tea should be as bitter as wormwod and as sharp as a two eged swordKit Snicket (a series of unfortunate events)

Jason hated being an old man.

[Kagura is doing laundry and tries to wring out Kyou's shirt causing it to rip in two ]Kyo Sohma: Tell me what I think just happened didn't just happen Kagura: My love !Kyo Sohma: My shirt!

Let your eyes talk, mouth listens and ear sleeps.

Women will buy products in an attempt to become the impossible goal. Men will buy products in an attempt to mate with the impossible goal.

I wish my nose would blow me for once.

If a problem can be solved, there is nothing to worry about. If it can't be solved, well you can always buy chocolate :)

I said, names aren't important, " he repeated. There was a silence between them for some seconds, then the Ranger said: "Do you know what is important?"Will shook his head."Supper is important!

Goodfellow snickered."Wouldn't be any fun if we didn't run into some sort of catastrophe." Pulling his dagger, he waved me on."After you, your highness.Puck to Ash

First blood is mine.Last blood counts for more.--Artemis Entreri and Drizzt Do'Urden

Do you never get exhausted being so wholly unbearable?

If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.

Any other iron on you?” he asked impatiently.“Just my tongue stud.”His look was a mixture of curiosity and horror.“I’m kidding, you idiot. Let’s go.

I've taken care of it, " I saidMy father looked at me, shocked.Then I realized "taken care of" had a very specific meaning in his line of work."No, no, I mean he's gone.

Little-known fact about cheerleaders: They keep schedules that would make grown marines cry.

I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.

Nix had told Emma before she'd left for Europe that on this trip she would 'do that which you were born to do.' Apparently, Emma was born to get kidnapped by a deranged Lykae. Her fate sucked.

Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.

Don't even think of arguing with me. I'm an old woman and if you fight me about it, it could give me a heart attack.

Yes she met with a slight accident involving a stake." Ash said "funny how that happens sometimes...

What a schmuck!

My melon soulCrushed by your Gallagher of apathy

No funny business. I’ll scream and dead or not it will hurt your ears

I'm not saying he was, like, crying tears of man pain over the phone, but he sounded upset.

She'd made him watch every Alien movie. Most of the goriest scenes were accompanied by his dialogue: 'Ach, that's no' - that's just no' right.... Bloody hell, this canna be right.

Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.

I need another drink!” I said as a second attempt to change the subject. “Shots!” America yelled. Shepley rolled his eyes. “Oh, yeah. That’s what you need, another shot.

I remember the will said, 'May God thy gold refine.' That must be from the Bible.""Shakespeare, " Turtle said. All quotations were either from the Bible or Shakespeare.

That's your solution? Have a cookie?

Objection!" Metz shouts.Grounds?" the judge asks.Well...he's my witness!

The show doesn’t go on because it’s ready it goes on because it’s 11:30.

Who cares if you have a girlfriend, anyway?""I care" Simon said gloomily. "Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor. And he smells like windex.

Shut. Up, " June squealed. "You have a date with that guy?" She giggled and covered her mouth. "Shut up, shut up, shut up! Tell me everything.""I can't do both, " I pointed out.

Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.

The rage that had expolded inside me diffused. I didn't know where it had come from. I had a short temper and often acted impulsively, but this had been intense and ugly even for me. Weird.

Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.

I've been thinking of installing a train in my house. It could bring me shrimp crackers from the kitchen.

A red eight-sided sign always means: A) Stop. B) Go. C) Danger! Red octogons ahead!

Nancy was so thrilled, I thought she was going to kiss me—and I thought I was actually going to have to hit a chick.

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.