Funny Quotes
The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.
I'm telling you, Augustus Waters talked so much that he'd interrupt you at his own funeral.
We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do, ’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore.
Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses.
My grandma Ruthie, Jettie's sister, had been married four times, so many times I started calling every old man I saw at the grocery store Grandpa.
Never dance in a puddle when there's a hole in your shoe (it's always best to take your shoes off first).
Don’t believe what you hear about those penguins. A species of lazy waddlers. Their extinction is immanent.
Dear sirs, The cold war isn’t over. When national borders fail, the epidermis is the last line of defense. We are counting on you.Sincerely, Patriot
Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won’t sparkle in the sunshine, he’ll just marry you.
I can pay you."He raised his eyebrows. "I'm sure there are services for that.Maybe you can try calling 1-800-HOOKERS or something?""You know the number well?
A man's plumbing is like his mind: simple, very few surprises. You ladies, on the other hand...well, God put a lot of thought in making you.
Do you ever take a holiday? Like, do any of you just wake up and think ‘Today feels like a pyjama day.’? or is it always, ‘Today is a good day for murdering and stalking.’?
If the law can be broken it will. Anyone who breaks the law is a risk. You can break the law. So you see, I have to take you in for questioning. This produce stand has an ominous future.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him participate in synchronized diving.
. . .Tell me, Clare: why on earth would a lovely girl like you want to marry H
Step one, accept she was a damn boss. Step two, hide all the knives, guns, and maybe the pillows, too.
She stopped at the desk and held up a can for his view. "This looks like an ordinary hairspray can, right?""Of course." he said though he had no idea what hairspray was.
What was that you gave me to eat?" Winter panicked.A Filler Crisp, " Clover said, his eyes seventy percent concerned and thirty percent mischievous.
You guys are weird, " Tori said.Simon sat on the crate beside me. "That's right. We are totally weird and completely uncool. Your popularity is plummeting just by being near us.
I can't see anything" he said in a muffled voice, hand over his eyes. "I'm blind.
Are you going to answer my questions, or do I have to whack you with a stick until delicious candy surprises fall out?
Fine, I'll touch you, briefly, but only because you sound like you need the praise that your body's hot, and I'm totally selfless like that.
The lot of the brideto be wed before beddesired until rotten.The lot of the authorto be read before bedadmired then forgotten.
Bob, would you be willing to take on Evil Bob?"Bob's eyes darted nervously. "I'd . . . prefer not to. I'd really, really prefer not to. You have no idea. That me was crazy. And buff. He worked out.
I can’t believe I’ve missed this sport. It’s all about fingering holes and caressing balls.
Huge Jackman has divorced his wife and happened upon my picture in some old article and decided that I'm the woman for him?~ Susan
He’d spent so much time in the penalty box for fighting last season, he’d been tempted to hang a picture and maybe set up a lava lamp, it had felt so much like home
Satan impregnated my mother one lovely spring morning. We didn’t have the heart to tell my father.
The man in 4B wondered if he could have your autograph. He told me his daughter is a huge f
Pops added, "you know, they say if you don't vote, you get the government you deserve.""And if you do, you never get the results you expected, " (Katherine) replied.
A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman - the idea of her.
Shit, " Delia said. "I mean, shoot. No, actually, I mean shit. I really do.
Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.
When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.
Well, child? Aren't you going to try to turn me into some kind of unspeakable creature?I don't think I shall bother, madam, seeing as you are making such a good job of it yourself!
Your on your on with this one babe.""Coward.""Calling me names isn't going to get me in there."-Ranger and Stephanie
Guess we're going north, " Dev said slowly."Everyone, follow Lassie.Timmy's in the well.
Men were good for one thing only. Killing spiders. Other than that, I was on my own. It was sad though. Where was the chivalry of yesteryear?
What is it? Tens, I can see the stick up your arse from here. I'm dying remember? Dying people don't have time for silly moods
We have allowed the system to be so corrupted that many want justice to be "empathetic, " not blind.
Cole, for Christ's sake, will you stop staring at me like I'm beefcake of the month?
Our family was nearly torn apart on several occasions by arguments started when the refrigerator door was open for what my father deemed as ‘too long.