Funny Quotes

If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried

Wisdom of the Ages: "Humility" If you don't have it, you're gonna get it.

Plot twist: everything goes exactly as planned.

I didn't actually know what regret tasted like—but I imagined if it did have a flavor, it would be lutefisk.

Even as zombies, ridiculous prom gowns were the downfall of teenage girls, crippling them at the knees.

After your daily bread, if you ask God for anything, ask 'him' to make you right in the head.

I swear I've good morals. It's just that bad ones befriend me. I'm a friendly person, you know. But I will talk to them. Believe you me.

I have great respect for you - once you are dead, and gone

My book sales are way down today. Also, I've received two scathing reviews. One of them calls me “a purveyor of insipid wet-dreams.

I nurture very good intentions about you. May you die in peace.

Wisdom of the Ages: "President's Day" One allowed the Federal Reserve and one got lead. One got a city and the other got dead.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Government" Like a mafia protection racket-without the protection.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Valentine's Day" Because she never forgets, especially if you do.

Play and be happy.

My dog hasn't said a word all day, he must have a lot on his mind

Oh for Christ sakes. Ay carrumba, chimichanga. I have no idea what you’re saying, but shut your pretty pie hole.

You still are? There go my plans! And the suit I had bought to attend your funeral. Well, well. Anyway, do call me up when you an't.

It's always funny that you can try and try again to steal all your critics' ammo, predict their responses, but no matter what, they'll still have a water gun stashed somewhere.

Real comedy is not when you laugh at an idiot, it's when the idiot laughs at you.

So, my sweet, did it put the fun into funeral?

We can't against human stupidity. Because they are too many and too dangerous.

When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that's no chocolate on the pillow

Come Hell or High Water" usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub

If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months

If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator

The only difference between me and a madman is that he has the certification

Don't you wish we all lived in black light.... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco

Oh, hey, kettle, I’m pot and wow, you’re black.” - Owen

Jihadis! Please go to your imaginary heaven - out there, nowhere. Us, the infidel lot, have helluva lot to do after you leave. Out here.

If a homeless person has a funny sign, he hasn't been homeless for that long. A real homeless person is too hungry to be funny.

I love you all - if you are not people!

You put cow dung on my face?’ ‘Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear?

Please believe me. I've nothing against you personally. It's just that I laugh at all jokes.

being funny is actually all about thinking "what if ?" in a creative way.

If you want to say, Lucia, there is no inside of the park benches, I won’t argue with you. But, then you have to say where the pigeons come from.

Most people are scumbags. Accept it. Let go. Chill out, douchebags.

Hey, religious nuts! Please do not grow up. Just go up!

Children throw tantrums because they've imagined their 'father in heaven' does so. And because, their inherited religious book has, in written, shown them so.

Monkeying around with other apes, a monkey was made - called, HUMAN. God is great!

Whenever I wish to pay my respect to you, my middle finger says, it must first.

I never knew, apes talk. Apparently, you do.

If I were married, I would be unmarried.

Some people are born to fandom, others have fandom thrust upon them.

I'm fascinated by idiots... Here's looking at you, kid!

World is so full of idiots that you can't even imagine to escape. The only solution is isolation. But it still spares one!

I have a bad grammar, but I do have a good message in it.

You just wanted to walk in front of me so I'd have to stare at your butt

Never make eye contact with a stranger when you’re having a churro.

I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?