Funny Quotes

If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.

To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken.

My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.

I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up.

I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy.

Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer.

She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, “Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert.

My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored.

If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal.

Nice costume, " he said. "Ditto. I can tell you put a lot of thought into yours."Amusement curled his mouth. "If you don't like it, I can take it off.

I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!

I simply regard romantic comedies as a subgenre of sci-fi, in which the world created therein has different rules than my regular human world.

I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.

I had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald.

I had a dream about you last night... you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs.

I had a dream about you last night. I could fly. I was going to use this power to impress you, but you were too heavy to carry, so I won you over with my personality instead

I had a dream about you last night... you kept meowing at people and licking yourself it was not unlike you normally.

My father chose my name, and my last name was chosen by my ancestors . That’s enough, I myself choose my way

In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive.

I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s nightmares.

I had a dream about you last night. The best day of my life was when I taught you how to juggle, but the best day of yours was when you taught someone else.

I had a dream about you last night.. You were playing with chicken livers and told me everyone was in quarantine.

I had a dream about you last night.. you were trying to give coordinates to an apple

May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while, " he grunted, "It relaxes me.""It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably.

Headline?" he asked."'Swing Set Needs Home, '" I said."'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home, '" he said."'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children, '" I said.

Can you be a girl for a few seconds?""I'm always a girl" I frown."You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl"I twirl my hair around my finger. "Kay.

Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?"All the time.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

Inconceivable!""You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

The human body is the best work of art.

Sane is boring.

I've had great success being a total idiot.

Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!” Dee shrieked. “My eyes!

I can't believe he didn't have the dignity and presence of mind just to get drunk and pass out in some gutter, " said Jace. "I must say, I'm disappointed in the little fellow.

Haven't you ever heard of the saying, "If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!"?' --LinIf you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!' --Ed

Oh, of course, " said Ron, clapping a hand to his forehead. "I forgot we'll be hunting down Voldemort in a mobile library.

The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason, so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty.

Leo, ” Hazel gasped, “I can’t—my arms—”“Hazel, ” he said. “Do you trust me?”“No!”“Me neither, ” Leo admitted.

Don't you think 'Mark is kind of a weird name for a Shadowhunter?" Julian was saying as Emma approached. "I mean, if you really think about it. It's confusing. 'Put a Mark on me, Mark.

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

Um...Mercer? Haven't seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, 'Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my loins, how I've longed--

She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not... you know, better.""Define BETTER with that guy.""Not all fangs and raaaaar.

Ceres wanted a united front in the plant war.""The plant war, " Percy said. "You're going to arm all the little grapes with tiny assault rifles?

She'd met Colin on a Monday.She'd kissed him on a Friday.Twelve years later.She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic.

You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff.

Promise me, Amelie, that you’ll crucify me with silver before you allow me to fall in love.”“I hardly think there’s any chance of that, ” Amelie said. "I doubt you have the capacity.

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.