Funny Quotes
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
I've never found kicks to the groin particularly funny, although recent work in the genre of the buddy movie suggests audience research must prove me wrong.
Bruce Sutter has been around for awhile and he's pretty old. He's thirty-five years old. That will give you some idea of how old he is.
If I'm in something funny, I like to try and find some kind of serious line in it that people can relate to.
Mary Decker Slaney, the world greatest front runner, I shouldn't be surprised to see her at the front
The Games have been decimated. If you take away the Eastern Bloc, you take away 50% of the medals
I think it's funny how excited people can get about things I say that don't have anything to do with music. I made a disparaging comment about McDonald's on Twitter once and people flipped out on me.
I'm definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won't. Then three years later I will finally try it and it'll kill them. I got to give them more credit.
Elena, my four year old, says to me in all seriousness; "Mommy, you need to buy another baby".
I've said it before and I'll say it again. The U.S. Geological Survey has told me that the proven potential for oil in Alaska alone is greater than the proven reserves in Saudi Arabia.
I know all the bad things that happened in that war. I was in uniform four years myself.
They've done away with those committees. That shows the success of what the Soviets were able to do in this country.
We think there is a parallel between federal involvement in education and the decline in profit over recent years.
Today a newcomer to the state is automatically eligible for our many aid programs the moment he crosses the border.
We were told four years ago that 17 million people went to bed hungry each night. Well that was probably true. They were all on a diet.
Trains are not any more energy efficient than the average automobile, with both getting about 48 passenger miles to the gallon.
Because Vietnam was not a declared war, the veterans are not even eligible for the G. I. Bill of Rights with respect to education or anything.
I love making things, like software, and films, and laughter. And working with Gus Silber, to make the Funny Business book, has been a fantastic journey.
Business, like life, is funny. We all go through difficult times, and we all have to face curve balls and challenges, each and every week. And we need to laugh when things are funny.
I like it when very little children think for themselves, because they do not have access to car keys or credit cards or crack pipes, but they have some really funny lines.
I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny.
I have horrible stage fright - you know how you go through the bi-polar stage fright thing? Then you go on drugs to get over the stage fright and perform, but then you're not funny at all.
When I was little, that was one thing that I was told in a vision: I was going to have my own show when I grew up. And it's going to be funny.
I was often the only white girl in the Indian dance class. That felt funny, but doing Indian dance was great.
