Funny Quotes

Success is like Halley's comet, you know. Every now and then it just comes around.

[In Moscow] we got through to [Soviet leaders] Brezhnev and Kosygin on the telephone. I think it was because nobody had ever tried to call them at home before.

I've just read that I am dead. Don't forget to delete me from your list of subscribers.

Hmm... Death by mini bar, how glamorous.

JFK [John F. Kennedy] was young, glamorous, Camelot, funny, engaging. Congress loved him.

How long is it polite to continue to be interested in what someone says after they reveal they've got a boyfriend?

On respect for the Queen: When I lick a stamp I always do it with my eyes closed.

If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?

Amy Winehouse - her surname's beginning to sound like a description of her liver.

Even in name, he seems like a Victorian oddity. "Igor, fetch 'the Crouch' from the catacombs, we're going to the graveyard".

When you bump into your own mom at an orgy, it's hard not to get her to read into certain things.

If you want to work consistently, you have to be a team player.

Azhar Usman is very funny, deeply spiritual, and extremely hairy. He's like Zach Galifianakis meets Deepak Chopra-and funnier than you'd expect that combination to be.

A poet or a comedian can say what's on the mind of people. They should be funny. They should make you laugh. It may be so truthful that it hurts, but it makes you laugh.

I wasnt particularly funny in high school, but I grew up with three older brothers who were quite funny.

We old roosters must be cautious. Don't try to outwit your arteries.

Nature, it appears, has been rather more bountiful to Paul's body and purse than to his intellect; above the ears, speaking bluntly, the boy is strictly tapioca.

I was always telling everybody that I could be funny.

The American success formula is first to get a home of your own, then to get a car of your own so you don't have to stay in that home of your own.

Dept. of Speculation is gorgeous, funny, a profound and profoundly moving work of art. Jenny Offill is a master of form and feeling, and she gets life on the page in new, startling ways.

I don't think the show would be funny to you if you didn't already have a base of information.

To hell with the cost, if it's a good story, I'll make it.

[when asked by his secretary if she should destroy all files that were over ten years old] Yes, but keep copies.

Keep a stiff upper chin.

The trouble with this business is the dearth of bad pictures.

This makes me so sore it gets my dandruff up.

He treats me like the dirt under my feet.

Even if they had it in the streets, I wouldn't go.

That fellow seems to me to possess but one idea, and that is a wrong one.

The most fatal disease of friendship is gradual decay, or dislike hourly increased by causes too slender for complaint, and too numerous for removal.

It's often hope, hopeful movie making. You're always looking for catchphrases. That's always funny, when you're looking for that future line. "Uh oh, future line. Okay."

When you start to talk about comic books, a lot of the time, people forget about the comic part of it. They need to be funny.

It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find next morning that it was someone else.

Michael Bates was a very funny actor; he'd served in India, could speak Urdu, and had great comic timing.

Fast pitch softball is just as dangerous as baseball. The ball is bigger so you can see it better, but the size also makes for a bigger space to move out of its way.

I know I have to stop. We all have to stop. Funny how knowing something's a bad idea doesn't make a difference.

It's funny how someone's perception of you can be formed without you even knowing it.

It's a funny feeling, being suddenly airborne. Just as you realize it, it's over, and you're sinking.

It’s funny how one summer can change everything.

It's a great compliment that people think they're fast reads. It's always funny to me because it takes so long to get a book (written) -- for me, it's never quick.

Stop it. Seriously. This isn't funny.' 'You're right.' A pause. 'It's pathetic.

He's the funniest, smartest person I know. It doesn't mean he doesn't bug me and I'm sure I bug him sometimes.

One of the lambs fixed its attention on Jared. “Baa,” it flirted. “Boo,” said Jared. “Oh my God, Jared. Don’t tough-talk the lambs.” "It was giving me a funny look.

I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

I gave him a compliment! All right, I told him he probably would've made, like, a really expensive slave in the, like, in the olden-timey days.

I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.