Funny Quotes

Sometimes we have to actually say, I think you're really funny, but none of your jokes are going to make it on the air. So just answer my questions. Seriously.

I remember interviewing someone I actually felt bad for, and therefore didn't want to take an ironic stance against him. It actually turned out to be a really funny piece.

Comedians who are 22 years old can certainly be funny and clever, and be capable of telling jokes - but are they talking about their favorite TV shows, or a particular brand of shampoo?

People always say, "When did you know you were funny?" They don't mean that in a bad way - this already makes me sound like such a jerk.

That's a weird way to torture yourself. Just watch a movie, over and over, that you hate. That's really funny - that's probably exactly what hell is like.

That's a very nice, generic-sounding question: "When did you know you were funny?" But it pre-supposes that I think I'm really hilarious. So that's kind of a loaded question.

I remember Tucker Toomey was named so because "T's are funny!" And if Garry Marshall says it's funny, by god, it must be so.

When I had my Comedy Central roast, David [Spade] was my first choice to be roastmaster, because I adore him. He's funny as hell, and nobody is meaner.

Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago.

If I had a Boy Scout I could make a fire by rubbing his hind legs together.

A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.

She sleeps alone at last.

One cubic foot less of space and it would have constituted adultery.

Streets full of water. Please Advise.

In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That's what makes it so tough for us outsiders. We have to fight home competition.

If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.

There is a time early in life when there seem to be countless reasons for happiness, and then you discover your mom is making them up.

I like girls who are funny with a warped sense of humor.

A true sonnet goes eight lines and then takes a turn for better or worse and goes six or eight lines more.

It's funny how it reads like a Kubrick-inspired moment, a filmmaker controlling one's mise en scène. What it truly is is a documentary moment.

As a cartoonist I do what I find funny. As an editor I have a broader approach realizing that humor is inherently subjective and I don't want my preferences to rule out what others might like.

People would be in hysterics if they saw that. It's like, wow, he's a superhuman moron.... So he wears lipstick, has a little bouffant, and does little circus acts as well. Oh, he's so sexy.

I thought I was supposed to have a fake six-pack in this scene

Sometimes I think I look like I've had facial reconstructive surgery. Like after burns.

The person who proclaimed me Best Dressed Man never saw me in my sport outfit.

My whole head is like I've had a face lift.

Now listen, guuuyyysss! Come on guys. Let's all, come on, let's be simple about this.

In this scene, I'm talking about how much I don't like cookies.... I'm sayin', 'Listen, guys. Have you read the book? We're not supposed to be eating.'

Peter [Facinelli] would be so good at doing that. I want him to do the Beyoncé biopic.

I'd love to be able to fit in a box. Like one of those people who fit into small boxes. I'd love it.

I had pecs for about two days. Everyone would hate me. Just look at me walking around with my little peacoat on. My little customized pea coat.

I wonder if vampire's eyebrows can grow back.

I've got such effeminate hands. I could never be strong. Whenever I even got to a save, my fingers would just bend back and the ball would hit me in the face.

What's it like kissing Taylor Lautner.

There was one rumor that I saw in a magazine saying I was pregnant. I thought that was brilliant and it still crops up now. But it's definitely not true. I can promise you that.

I'm really scary in reality. Most of the time.

Looking scary with a baseball outfit on and a little bouffant, you know, it just does not work. Especially with sculpted eyebrows.

I would have taught her a les­son she wouldn't forget!

I had to do two roles in two days, I'm in a hairflux.

So I know where my feet are.

Poets, we know, are terribly sensitive people, and in my observation one of the things they are most sensitive about is money.

The Stones were nasty and ugly and doing songs I was familiar with.

But there's a bigger trend I'm seeing: people who used to enjoy blogging their lives are now moving to Twitter.

I do try to compress a lot of information into what I do. It's funny.

The cultural mix that's happened in the United States is wonderful! Funny enough, one of the most wonderful things about it is that there is no American race.

It's funny how bed and pillows and covers can change a conversation. Words turn quiet and you mean more and say less. It's like you can build your own little world, Population: 2.

Anything that's really grounded in humanity and is real, but just happens to be faux pas, or just really shouldn't be funny, I like it.

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.