Funny Quotes

I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.

Money never made a fool of anybody; it only shows them up.

The stupidity of one brain multiplied by twelve.

Humor is really important to me. All my favorite writers are writers I consider to be funny, including Tolstoy and Dostoevsky, even though that's not necessarily their rap.

Life is funny and it is interesting how we make it as serious as possible.

As an actor myself, the opportunity to sing and dance and be dramatic and be funny - it's really irresistible to actors. You get to show all sides of your talent.

My life's accomplishments? Sanity, and you.

In a funny way, I like the past, I'm a very nostalgic person.

Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work.

You say you're sick and tired of hearing about me? I've got news for you: I'M sick and tired of hearing about me.

Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic." "Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in!?"

I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going.

I don't want to take a pill. Go to Africa, go follow some bushman around. He's being chased by a lion. That's stress. You're not going to find a pygmy on Paxil, I'll tell you that right now.

Have you ever thought about toothpaste? Ellen has! And she makes a point about all of the types of toothpaste that Colgate offers!

My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?... Noooo... as funny as that is, I'm not

You know me. Any excuse to put on a dress.

Come on, if you don't win tonight it doesn't mean you're not a good person, it just means you're not a good actor.

When there's time for whistling, there's a lot of time on a show.

Funny how when your life is mostly bullshit, you turn off feeling. Sometimes it's hard to turn it back on again.

An agent is a person who is sore because an actor gets 90% of what they make.

Funny, now I can see, how looks can be deceiving.

I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last.

I have a lot of people in my life who are truly ridiculous characters, and they're very, very funny people, but they don't really try to be. They're not cracking jokes.

It's funny, because when you work on a set, everyone is watching you. You are being observed by everyone.

Elisa Albert in a nutshell: funny, self-aware, and genuinely fearless that she might be a lunatic, or a genius, or both.

You know, I don't know if you know this about me or not, but I'm kind of a big deal.

The only movie I can watch on a loop, over and over, is 'Help', the Beatles movie. It's so funny and irreverent and great.

I think 'Saturday Night Live', starting in the 1970s, really gave women an outlet to be funny. A lot of those women went on to have film careers, from Kristen Wiig now to Tina Fey and Gilda Radner.

It's funny because the voice-over world is definitely another career. It's another outlet to be creative. But, I'm just not invested, in the way that I am with film and television.

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

Dreams come true all the time, just not for the dreamers

Reading Alan Zweibel makes me laugh out loud. And yet it is not a particularly funny name.

To me, the musical is best when it's a musical comedy. So if you have a very, very funny show, and very good, funny songs, that's what the musical does best.

The three main leads [in Townies] were Lauren [ Graham] and Jenna [Elfman] and Molly [Ringwald], and then Ron Livingston was on it as well. There was a lot of people to write funny stuff for.

I had a couple of decent laughs on Townies, but for the most part, delivering a joke that you just know is not funny is hard.

Everything Will Ferrell says during scenes is so funny and so natural. I was amazed at his genius.

I've never considered myself to be naturally funny and it wasn't until I booked my first few jobs in Hollywood that I started thinking, "I guess I'm funny."

As a woman, you're not limited to being one thing or the other. You can be feminine and sexy and beautiful and hot and funny.

I've worked for years with Michael Kors, and he's just like this funny, charismatic guy.

It's funny because my main awkwardness around writing the song had little to do with the method.

People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.

My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.

If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.

Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.

Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.

Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met.

If anyone knew where they were, I'd send the ISDBB (Incredibly Stupid and Dumb Beyond Belief) award to the two guys who tried to break in to the Ohio penitentiary.

Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.

I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.

Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.