My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Those who are waiting for an epiphany to strike may wait forever. The artist simply goes to work, making art, both good and not so good.

In the process of letting go you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself.

When I was in jail, I was a lot of people's favorite person. I practically ran the jail. I had more freedom than the police.

Looking at my life, it's very clear to me, I lived so selfishly.

It's nervous work. The state you need to write in is the state that others are paying large sums of money to get rid of.

If a person calls themself 'autistic' and you tell them they have to use 'person first language'... you're not putting the person first.

A little levity is appropriate in a dangerous trade.

Let us hear the peal of a new international liberty bell that calls us all to the creation of a system of enforceable world law in which the universal desire for peace can place its hope and prayers.

There is but a very minute portion of the creation which we can turn into food and clothes, or gratification for the body; but the whole creation may be used to minister to the sense of beauty.

The world would be a safer place, If someone had a plan, Before exploring outer space, To find the inner man.