Funny Quotes

I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies.

Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?

Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can't help it. It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat off.

You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead!

The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.

I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here.

Children are the most honest critics. They will say "You're funny", but also "You're pathetic - go away."

I do pauses, pauses work for me

You see the button with the guy with the tray, and you push it, and he arrives with a sandwich! And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land"

It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.

Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two.

You look like a horse in a man costume

You exaggerate your own reactions.

Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.

I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'

Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.

Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear.

Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!

Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!

I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.

He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.

Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake.

I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder.

I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.

When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears. What the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move... I'm locking the door now.'

You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.

I have a spaniel that defrocked a nun last week. He took hold of the cord. I had hold of the leash. It was like elephants holding tails. Imagine me undressing a nun, even second hand.

Sport is the only profession I know of that when you retire you have to go to work.

The improv stuff, that's always surprising so a lot of times that's really funny.

Let's just say it was damn hard [to make the Hangover]. I've got the bumps and bruises to show for it. It's funny because things that don't even look that bad on screen were still extremely painful.

A sense of humor is an important thing to have because when you get into an argument, one of the best ways to diffuse it is to be funny.

It's funny because growing up, when Ali G first burst off the screen, it was something that I was probably too young to be watching, but I absolutely loved it.

Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18 [gibberish]. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You".

There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?

I've done a bit of Latin in my time...but I can control it.

Makeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh ... well, until you killed them all, I suppose.

The bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of drama is to be truthful. You can be truthful and funny, but if you're not truthful in a drama than the audience leaves you.

If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**k off block of concrete!

I been seeing newspapers every Sunday morning, white dudes be in there in their drawers, never having no bulge in they drawers. Smiling at you. If I ain't have no bulge, I wouldn't be smiling!

It is not an easy thing to inflate a dog.

The one living playwright I admire without any reservation whatsoever is Samuel Beckett. I have funny feelings about almost all the others.

Careers are funny things. They begin mysteriously and, just as mysteriously, they can end.

I'm a very loyal and unreliable friend.

Tech is a funny industry I don't think there is any other industry on the planet that reinvents itself every 10-12 years.

I tend to like poems that are short as well as funny. I love Joe Brainard and Aram Saroyan. And I think their sense of humor and minimalist approach are pretty radical.

My shoes are size 2 and a 1/2, the same size as my feet