Funny Quotes

I think it's so funny when people think they can't control a movie star. They can. We're just women, you know

It's funny, but I think my stories - the good ones - they're much smarter than I am.

I don't think Reagan is primarily funny, and I don't think he's primarily marvelous; he's complicated.

In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.'

I never say what I mean, but I always manage to say something similar.

It's all very well to have principles, but when it comes to money you have to be flexible.

I can conduct better than I count.

Even when you are not playing you are holding me back.

If you don't have it in your part, leave it out, because there is enough missing already.

Death is an awful thing. I don't believe in it myself.

I conduct faster so you can see my beat.

Start at B. Yes. No. Yes. No.

Start three bars before something.

It's hot as hell as can be.

Most new books are forgotten within a year, especially by those who borrow them.

'I will not stand for being called a woman in my own house' she said.

A man who is right by your side through everything makes you happy. But he can leave your side to make dinner once in a while!

Being funny is a symptom of what's underneath. You're pumping out all that energy because something else is going on inside you, some opposing force, something uncomfortable.

I never like to be the same, whether it be comedy or drama, funny or serious.

It’s funny, most people can be around someone and then gradually begin to love them and never know exactly when it happened

Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose.

Ruth's writing is so joyful, funny and uplifting; it's always a real treat of a read.

Bread that must be sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing.

The whimsicalness of our own humor is a thousand times more fickle and unaccountable than what we blame so much in fortune.

My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

Ecology is often confused with environmentalism, while in fact, environmentalism often leaves out the fact that people, too, can be a legitimate part of an ecosystem.

John Connally's conversion to the GOP raised the intellectual level of both parties.

Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them 'Gaybos' or 'Bender Badges'.

They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags.

Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I'm surprised she hasn't joined them!

That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.

I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records.

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."

You know the Dutch, they're always a bit funny... some of them.

Capitalism is a funny name which lefties give to basic freedom.

He has no idea what it was like to grow up in the South, where you had to hold your head down.

The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.

It's funny, but three of my early films were with Liam Neeson, before Liam Neeson was a big star.

A lot of people dont think of my work as being all that funny, but I think its hilarious!

Self-discover is not as someone would have us think, a heavy, awesome, moral process where everyone sits around and frowns. As you progress towards enlightenment, you become funny.

Eventually light prevails, you just have to be patient. So practice Buddhism, learn to be enlightened, put a smile on your face, go find a great teacher, meditate, and stay funny.

You only become funny when you have a complete reverence for life.

It's very funny. People do not want to achieve liberation or be happy. This is the basic guideline they teach you in Spiritual Training School.

In America people have this funny idea about enlightenment and money. Money expresses a level of commitment. Studying enlightenment is like going to a university.

We break off obsession by laughing at ourselves, by learning to be funny, by just seeing the joy in life and by having a terrific love for this world.