Funny Quotes

[Numbers] made me feel like a real person instead of a guy who shows up for two days on a movie, does some funny stuff, and then doesn't see anybody until the premiere.

Anyway, we had a blast, and the movie [the Ghost Team] turned out really, really funny.

Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.

Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves around than any other city in the world.

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.

My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.

Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.'

How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.

The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.

These jokes the world plays, they're not funny at all.

I really wish they hadn't made the set out of asbestos.

You can't throw away years of your life because it makes a funny anecdote.

They're hungry for something they know nothing about, but we, we know all too well that the price of fame is the loss of privacy.

Usually, if I think something is really funny, it doesn't get any reaction whatsoever.

When I'm interviewed on Leno, just be funny, period. That's all they want from me. I don't want to tell my life story.

There are a couple hard things. One, getting a funny idea that people can relate to; a funny idea or a funny script; there's a million pitches.

I decided I would rather have a day job and love music than to play music that made me hate it.

You can't be trying to be funny. As an adult actor, sometimes I'll muddle it up by over-thinking things.

I've always thought those guys are really funny. And I love Dumb and Dumber, Kingpin and Mary.

I think that came out of watching all those serious movies for all that time. If you watch a movie like Zero Hour, Sterling Hayden is pretty funny, and so are the guys in the cockpit.

Chevy Chase and Bill Murray - we thought those guys were funny. We love Bill Murray, but we didn't think they were right for Airplane! because it would step on the joke if there was a known comedian.

Not funny ha ha, funny weird.

Funny, how one good cookie could calm the mind and even elevate a troubled soul.

I think actors who take things too far are funny.

I don’t know why we insist on pain when pain is so often easy to eliminate. It’s funny the ways we try to punish ourselves when we feel we’ve committed some crime.

Funny the only two times we use the phrase "seeing someone" are when we are referring to being in a a relationship or getting psychological help.

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".

I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.

This is a pie chart about procrastination.

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'

What's funny about Jesus' Son is that I never even wrote that book, I just wrote it down. I would tell these stories and people would say, You should write these things down.

We didn't have rehab back in the Seventies. Back in the Seventies, rehab meant you stopped doing coke, but you kept smoking pot and drinking for a couple more weeks.

You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny, or you ain't.

He [ Campbell Scott ] is also a really funny guy which not a lot of people know.

Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever.

Don't buy the toys that make the noise!

Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspirin? I think I've got a cold."

I just think it's difficult for them to see the forest for the trees right now, which I can't blame them for, given the circumstances they found themselves in.

It became sort of a snowball effect, with guys trying to deal in their own way with 9/11, whether it was drinking or whatever.

I love to smoke. I smoke seven thousand packs a day!