Funny Quotes

People like you are the reason People like me need medication.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.

There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.

We just make stuff that we think is funny and fun, and I think that's the most you can do. I think if you're chasing virality, it just feels desperate.

It's funny: when I first started getting vocal about how much I liked 'Doctor Who,' I didn't realize how deep the fan base was.

When I started in the late nineties, it was all about young Hollywood. There were jobs for all of us if you were 18 to 21, were slightly good looking, or could be funny.

I'm not interested in being one of those comedians who wants to look good and be this 'cool' funny person. I don't care how weird or ugly I look.

Fans feel they know me, so they want me to be on-the-spot funny, and it's hard to fulfil their expectations.

I just do what I think is funny and what's exciting to me.

I find teenage girls endlessly funny.

I think there's something in the fact that it's hard to be good looking and funny. You have to have an oddball quality; people have to sympathise with you to find you funny.

Nick Offerman is my hero. He just cracks me up. He's so funny, but he's a true actor, too - he's bringing so much when he's onscreen.

To be a comedian: Make peace with the fact that you will never be as funny as a baby falling over.

Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.

Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"

My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.

Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check... is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"

Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!

And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!"

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.

You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!

I want to really take chances. I want to be funny in a lot of different ways. I'd like to be great. I want to reach for greatness.

You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think?

If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! 'This is a rap killing! Let's get outta here!'

Carol Leifer is funny, really funny.

Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.

I ain't shootin' nobody. So call me a faggot! When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs, thank you!

I think all the funny people were bullied. When they talk about outlawing bullying, it's like, what? You want no Comedy Central?

Hollywood's just not funny.

You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.

White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "gun"? Congressional hearing.

I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian.

I find what I do for a living really funny. I mean, acting is kind of a hilarious thing for a grown man to call a job.

Life is short. Ricky and I realize how lucky we were. We want to be together all the time.

I do think funny is like sexy. You're either funny and sexy, or you're not.

Of course I can do this. I'm pregnant, not brain-damaged. My condition doesn't change my personality.

The reading public isn't born that doesn't think foreigners are either funny or faintly sinister.

I always like to watch comics and it's interesting that you can tell if someone's funny in 10 seconds.

Some people can do things and get away with it. Comics are famously like that. Why is it that some guys can say the most horrible things and it's not offensive, it's funny?

These people haven't seen the last of my face. If I go down, I'm going down standing up.

It's funny how the history of Jeb Bush is going to be rewritten.

I think Hamlet is a very funny play - Hamlet is riddled with wit.

I do not miss ITV, God no! Have you seen ITV lately?

The young Dickens was so alive, so self-confident, so funny.