Funny Quotes

They laughed. Things were funny. They weren't afraid to care. There was no sense to life, to the structure of things.

Never join with your friend when he abuses his horse or his wife, unless the one is about to be sold, the other to be buried.

"Well," said my aunt, "this is his boy - his son. He would be as like his father as it's possible to be, if he was not so like his mother, too."

If you could see my legs when I take my boots off, you'd form some idea of what unrequited affection is.

... still his philanthropy was of that gunpowderous sort that the difference between it and animosity was hard to determine.

Mr. and Mrs. Boffin sat staring at mid-air, and Mrs. Wilfer sat silently giving them to understand that every breath she drew required to be drawn with a self-denial rarely paralleled in history.

In particular, there was a butler in a blue coat and bright buttons, who gave quite a winey flavour to the table beer; he poured it out so superbly.

"It's an old habit of mine, Wal'r," said the Captain, "any time these fifty year. When you see Ned Cuttle bite his nails, Wal'r, then you may know that Ned Cuttle's aground."

"Why, I don't exactly know about perjury, my dear sir," replied the little gentleman. "Harsh word, my dear sir, very harsh word indeed. It's a legal fiction, my dear sir, nothing more."

" ... It is not my desire to wound the feelings of any person with whom I am connected in family bonds. I may be a hypocrite," said Mr. Pecksniff, cuttingly, "but I am not a brute."

Dumb as a drum vith a hole in it, sir.

... As to sleep, you know, I never sleep now. I might be a Watchman, except that I don't get any pay, and he's got nothing on his mind.

Poetry's unnat'ral; no man ever talked poetry 'cept a beadle on boxin' day, or Warren's blackin' or Rowland's oil, or some o' them low fellows; never you let yourself down to talk poetry, my boy.

"Oh!" said my aunt, "I was not aware at first to whom I had the pleasure of objecting."

"The twins no longer derive their sustenance from Nature's founts - in short," said Mr. Micawber, in one of his bursts of confidence, "they are weaned..."

"Peggotty!" repeated Miss Betsey, with some indignation. "Do you mean to say, child, that any human being has gone into a Christian church, and got herself named Peggotty?"

In the majority of cases, conscience is an elastic and very flexible article

For your popular rumour, unlike the rolling stone of the proverb, is one which gathers a deal of moss in its wanderings up and down.

Three fishers went sailing away to the west,/ Away to the west as the sun went down.

I was a theater guy growing up and I wanted to be Al Pacino, and I think I just looked and sounded too funny.

I never saw myself as a comedian. I saw myself as a guy who can act funny.

Everything is funny from some angle, I assure you it is. It's just a matter of where you're standing.

I think whatever comes natural is probably the truth, and the truth is the strongest form of anything - whether serious or funny.

If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.

Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.

He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.

You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.

Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're ready to have a baby.

There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.

Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.

You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.

Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together.

My father has a high opinion of his opinion

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.

I like being around funny people.

I love anybody funny. I think my ten-year-old sister is really funny. She makes me laugh way more than most people do.

I find it so funny how people that don't write the music, and have no involvement in it, can make such huge decisions on behalf of artists.

My father was the funniest guy I ever met. I'm not sure if I stole his stuff or if I inherited it.

You could knock my teeth out and break my nose, and there'd be something funny about it to me.