Funny Quotes

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

Here's my advice: Go ahead and be whacky. Get into a crazy frame of mind and ask what's funny about what you're doing.

The first rule of baseball is to get a good ball to hit.

I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left-winger in the Premiership, but there are none better.

I wanted to do an hour-long show, and I wanted to something that was dramatic and sometimes funny and humorous, as well. I'm just delighted to have this opportunity to be a part of this project.

I favor the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and it must be enforced at gunpoint if necessary.

Growing and decaying vegetation in this land are responsible for 93 percent of the oxides of nitrogen.

Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther.

Of course, the wind sort of swept up and the music was flying around in mid air and they were trying to play off it. You had to be there. It was quite funny.

Ever have that one friend who gets a Valentine's Day gift for their mother? Doens't that freak you out a little? It's like, 'I don't know how to break this to you but I think she's banging your dad!'

Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.

I used to binge-eat and make myself throw up. I was a fat kid. Obviously I didn't quite master the bulimia.

I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonade

The only duration of family life that satisfies the loftiest longings of the human soul is forever.

I get a lot of letters - a lot of letters saying, who knew that you were funny?

Dublin university contains the cream of Ireland: Rich and thick.

A lawyer's dream of heaven: every man reclaimed his property at the resurrection, and each tried to recover it from all his forefathers.

You've got to take the sour with the bitter.

I paid too much for it, but it's worth it.

Modern dancing is old fashioned.

Don't improve it into a flop!

"Yes, but that's our strongest weak point."

I don't care if it doesn't make a nickel. I just want every man, woman, and child in America to see it.

Let's bring it up to date with some snappy nineteenth century dialogue.

Don't worry about the war. It's all over but the shooting.

Some men are like musical glasses; to produce their finest tones you must keep them wet.

Everyone told me to pass on Speed because it was a 'bus movie.'

The word 'Spanx' was funny. It made people laugh. No one ever forgot it.

I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games.

It's funny what a few no-hitters do for a body.

I used to be stupid but I've turned that situation around 360 degrees.

As a rule, I don't like to laugh at the misfortune of others. The exception to that rule is if it's really, really funny.

No matter how many times I visit New York City, I am always struck by the same thing - a yellow taxicab.

I graduated a the top of my class in the '84 Olympic Games; I won a gold medal.

When I was younger I wanted to be a big movie star who'd get to be funny on talk shows and then I wanted to retire and write science fiction.

It's a bit embarrassing watching myself, but I couldn't get someone else to play me, that would've been stupid.

Just as we don't spend a lot of time worrying about how all those poets out there are going to monetize their poetry, the same is true for most bloggers.

I realize why women die in childbirth - it's preferable.

Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs.

I do not like onions. It's so funny because I am probably one of the least picky eaters ever. Pretty much any type of new food, I'll try it, I'll eat it. But onions, and pork. Pork and onions.

I don't know how many times a phone call or e-mail starts with, "I don't agree with anything you say but you're funny as hell so I listen to your show, I love your show."

Don't get me wrong, there are sometimes if I go and see a really funny comedy, that I wished I had smoked a joint. I'll be honest with you. That's the truth.

It is easy to forget that the most important aspect of comedy, after all, its great saving grace, is its ambiguity. You can simultaneously laugh at a situation, and take it seriously.

It's certainly easy to mock some things ... Oddly enough though I've never found it easy to mock anything of value. Only things that are tawdry and fatuous - perhaps it's just me.

I work until beer o'clock.

A man who lies about beer makes enemies.

When I worked with Robin Williams, now there is improv! He is just as funny as you think he is. We did at least five or six takes of every scene, improvising every scene differently. He was a riot.

Actually the best thing I did was to get thrown out by my wife. She's living with a fitness instructor. He drinks that yellow stuff in tins. He's an idiot.

A friend of mine once said he like his women like his parmesan: strong smelling and shaved. I don't agree with that, but I don't like hairy women.

But with comedy it's a simple premise. If it's funny, people laugh. If it's not, they don't.