Funny Quotes

A run is more difficult to make than no save, because batting is in its nature a far less certain and reliable thing than bowling and fielding.

He (The Agent) just takes ten per cent of your life.

Every milieu has something ridiculous about it - film-making, the music world, painting - because people who take themselves seriously become funny pretty quickly.

A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample.

My mum, a strange creature from the time when pickles on toothpicks were still the height of sophistication.

There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up.

As funny as watching a man in a wig trying to hold down a job on a helipad

I managed a team that was so bad we considered a 2-0 count on the batter a rally.

Ay, ay, the best terms will grow obsolete: damns have had their day.

I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.

I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes.

There's never been anything funny about a woman dying for love.

You're beautiful in battle. ... Like an avenging angel come to deliver the justice of heaven." "Funny. That is kind of why I'm here." "Angels fall, Rose.

I feel cheesy when I see Silver Spoons. Some of it was funny, but some of it was just cheese! My kids love it, but I look at it and cringe.

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Books shouldn't be daunting, they should be funny, exciting and wonderful.

Mystics are all a bit funny in the head anyway," the priest added cynically, "which is why the church locks them all up in mental hospitals and euphemistically calls these institutions monasteries.

If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor. Call in three good doctors and play bridge.

The wedding is where two people become one. The marriage is where they decide which one.

What you discover about life’s shell game is that it’s hardest to follow the pea when you’re the pea.

My health plan doesn't cover dental, so I enrolled my teeth as 32 dependents, each needing a complete physical once a year.

I guess I didn't enjoy drawing very much. It was like homework.

When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog to see the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.

I do find that humor helps in relationships. It certainly helps in my marriage now because I'm a very, very fallible person. And if I wasn't funny I'd be kicked right out the door.

Never trust a guy who plucks his eyebrows.

If you stay in Beverly Hills too long, you become a Mercedes.

Averages don't always reveal the most telling realities. You know, Shaquille O'Neal and I have an average height of 6 feet.

People here are funny. They work so hard at living, they forget how to live.

Hoist up sail while gale doth last, Tide and wind stay no man's pleasure.

I hate funerals and would not attend my own if it could be avoided

Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion.

She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people.

The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!