Funny Quotes

I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on.

If you're studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.

It's funny that some ideas start with a little "What if?" and then suddenly you're spending a million dollars to shoot the scene and hoping that it works.

The real joy is in constructing a sentence. But I see myself as an actor first because writing is what you do when you are ready and acting is what you do when someone else is ready.

I think that the anti-Microsoft sentiment is simply due to their having been so successful selling a lot of crap.

It's funny how when you're up so late at night for so long your mind can get into these creative places, the kind of creative places that come to you when you're halfway between asleep and awake.

I wanted to be funny. And I'm always acknowledged for my pranks and jokes nowadays.

Half the people you know are below average.

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

Clones are people two.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I got the nickname Spitfire for a reason - I burned inside to play volleyball.

I'm so proud of my son for being so funny!

Books are funny little portable pieces of thought.

My father was very funny, so I grew up with humor in the house. And I was always really attracted to comedies on TV. I was always really attracted to comics.

When I first met Jack, I was terrified of him. I wasn't expecting a fun, laughing, enjoyable, exciting guy. I walked into his office like most people, with my knees knocking together. I was scared.

Don't say I don't get along with my teammates. I just don't get along with some of the guys on the team.

EXTREMELY FUNNY! A SUPER-VIRTUOSO! I expected to enjoy 'The Two and Only,' but I didn't expect to be touched, much less to find my eyes growing moist.

I don't mind your thinking slowly; I mind your publishing faster than you think.

Never weather-beaten sail more willing bent to shore.

Originality is a thing we constantly clamour for, and constantly quarrel with.

The comic spirit is given to us in order that we may analyze, weigh, and clarify things in us which nettle us, or which we are outgrowing, or trying to reshape

Isn’t it funny to think that this magnificent piece of matter is in a state of decay? Really, can you think of any other living thing that looks this glorious as it’s dying?

I've gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I'm back to a flip-phone. It's funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they're considered antiques.

I'm the oldest I've ever been, right now.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all 12 of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A spokesman for the Knicks said, 'if this is what it takes to win, it's not worth it.'

When a man plays a woman in a dress, you're halfway there. It's inherently funny. When a woman plays a man, for whatever reason, it's not that instant kind of funny.

Hitchcock had a charm about him. He was very funny at times. He was incredibly brilliant in his field of suspense.

There's birth, there's death, and in between there's maintenance.