Funny Quotes

The only way to stop Jim Brown was to give him a movie contract.

The first time someone said, 'What are your measurements?' I answered, '37, 24, 38 - but not necessarily in that order.'

I was the class clown at school, but at home, my family wasn't very funny.

You behave as if everything is funny to you, but you never laugh. Sometimes you smile when you think no one is paying attention.

Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers; we get Aquatruck.

I figured all your classes were stuff like Slaughter 101 and Beheading for Beginners." Jace flipped a page. "Very funny, Fray.

I think egg boiling is the hardest thing I've ever done, but I can make a tiramisu anytime you want.

I'm more financially successful, but it just means the shopping blunders I make are bigger now.

I was voted funniest person in my middle-school yearbook. So I guess I was funny in middle school?

Don't remember me as too nice or beautiful or funny, because then you'll be disappointed.

I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.

The problem with children is that you have to put up with their parents.

Accidents will occur in the best regulated families.

Research is an organized method for keeping you reasonably dissatisfied with what you have.

I have no further use for America. I wouldn't go back there if Jesus Christ was President.

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.

Men aren't necessities, they're luxuries.

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

Customers long to interact with - even relate to - employees who act like there is still a light on inside.

I follow the most random people on Twitter. I follow famous people like Khloe Kardashian, who surprisingly makes really funny tweets all the time.

I put the costume on and said 'It's not very comfortable, but it looks amazing,' so it's all good.

You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.

I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'

I like talking about subjects that aren't funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I'll talk about.

I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.

They're working their way down. Next year, Todd Bridges gets the award. When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murphy and now I'm a rip-off of Eddie Murphy.

For me, noise is not something I use to shock, or because it's funny, or weird, or whatever. I use it because I find it beautiful.

I just killed my best friend... and my worst enemy. What's the difference?

That's my fun time so, to me, doing my homework, studying on what I do, watching the movies, listening to music, all that inspires me so I focus a lot on that and practice

I guess there are no real strict rules [in comedy], but I just learn to apply my philosophy about comedy which is, it's a serious business and the result needs to be funny, not the process.

Thank God for machines. They can make a dog sing!

A comedian is not a person who opens a funny door - he's the person who opens a door funny.

That's what acting is about, Funny wigs and voices, that's what we do.

Everybody is a potential murderer. I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.

If you don't go to other men's funerals, they won't go to yours.

It's funny: half my films were flops, half did well. It would be terrible if I'd had only success.

To you who have never died, may I say: Welcome to the world!

In Italy, for the same price as a typical British hamburger meal including sweet, a builder's labourer could eat like a king - rather better in fact, because pasta dishes gain from being kept simple.

When something is truly funny, it's funny all the time.

The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, "I don't need a pardon. I need a job.'

I laugh almost everyday. I have a good sense of humor, so I'm always finding something funny.

The virtuous will be sure to speak uprightly; but those whose speech is upright may not be virtuous.

Ceremonies are the first thing to be attended to in the practice of government.

Girl who sit on Judge's lap get honorable discharge.

People with virtue must speak out; People who speak are not all virtuous.

Virtue is not solitary; it is bound to have neighbors

We take greater pains to persuade others that we are happy than in endeavoring to think so ourselves

Even in killing men, observe the rules of propriety.

It's funny; I actually made poorer decisions when I sobered up then when I was screwed up.