Funny Quotes

I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start to eat.

The reason why Absurdist plays take place in No Man's Land with only two characters is primarily financial.

The statesman shears the sheep; the politician skins them.

The worst thing ever that you have to explain your joke because I was very disappointed trying to explain why the joke is funny for the interrogator.

It is funny, I don't feel old enough to give advice... But with the advisers you trust, you better listen to them. It may be bad news but that's the only way you're going to improve.

I don't think the public is dying to see me necessarily be funny all the time.

God help the man who won't marry until he finds a perfect woman, and God help him still more if he finds her.

When you're a kid, 'Star Trek' is a slower burn. It's funny, it's entertaining, but it also has a maturity about it - which is its universal appeal, I think.

Necessity knows no law; I know some attorneys of the same.

Our Constitution is in actual operation; everything appears to promise that it will last; but in this world nothing is certain but death and taxes.

The discovery of a wine is of greater moment than the discovery of a constellation. The universe is too full of stars.

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

The more you complain the longer God lets you live

When you start explaining why something's funny or finding a formula for it I think it loses some of its funniness.

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!

American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.

Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"

The only time I get sick of making people laugh is when I'm in a non-writing-joke mode, and I just can't seem to come up with anything new that's funny. That's a tough place to be as a comedian.

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.

The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".

Ever notice that people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks like he rushed it.

Tracy McGrady is doing things we've never seen from anybody - from any planet!

Buttons ... check. Dials ... check. Switches ... check. Little colored lights ... check.

Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar.

Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my head is concerned.

And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.

I grew up on the beaches, and I always found it kind of funny that it's considered decent if you cover three tiny spots with pieces of fabric.

It's mighty funny. The end of time has just begun.

I only speak a little pigeon French. Just enough to get by with the little French pigeons.

Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.

Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.

Golf is a funny game. It's done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I'm the healthiest idiot in the world.

It's very frustrating making a picture in Paris. We work hard all day at the studio to get a love scene just right. Then, on my way home, I see couples on every street corner doing it better.

There's a very apt saying in show business: "If you don't go over budget in Paris, you're either very rich or very sick. "

I don't bother to look for parking space anymore. As soon as I get near Hollywood Boulevard ... I sell.

The big difference in those days was that in England the Government subsidized TV, in America we work on TV so we can subsidize the Government.

Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking.

I never took the game home with me. I always left it in some bar.

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

At least is was a victory and at least we won

I always approach comedy roles pretending they aren't funny.

Dad, one of my first memories is of sharing my worry with you about the space shuttle poking holes in the atmosphere and letting out all of Earth's air.

I think the most horrible name for a crime has to be manslaughter. ... "I slaughtered a man! Just like a pig! Put him on a spit and put an apple in his mouth!"

Justin Timberlake is everything, and what more could you want in a person? He's funny. He's cute. He's great. He just understands. I get him and he gets me, and that's cool.

I find it so funny that people find me so interesting.

You can't eat your friends and have them too

It's so funny how my name has always been such a big deal. When I was growing up, my family was always moving. I had to meet new people all the time. And they'd laugh.

It was funny on '24' because I'm a Scots-Canadian, and I was working with the great Scottish actor Tony Curran, and we were both playing Russian gangsters.

If law school is so hard to get through... how come there are so many lawyers?